Beginning with the End

I’ve been eating nuts. Pecans (Pee-Cans, not Peh-Kahns) to be exact, and now my entire mouth is just…I don’t know. It has like a film over it.  Bleh.  And suddenly…oh God! I’m choking on nut-skin! Please God! Don’t let me die of nut skin asphyxia!

Actually, wait! What am I saying? That’d be my perfect way to go.

Friend 1: D’you hear Rachel died?

Friend 2 (obviously horrified and sobbing): No! Oh my God! Please, no! What happened?

Friend 1: She gagged on some nut skin

Friend 2 (now looking horrified because she’s going to laugh): What?

Friend 1 (tearing up, hoping it passes for “sad” tears and not “I’m gonna die laughing” tears): Yep, late one night she couldn’t sleep. Munched on some nuts and the skin got wrapped around her uvula.

Friend 1 and 2 then laugh hysterically because, let’s face it, uvula is a hilarious word.

Well, never mind that now, crisis adverted. Nut skin has been extracted from the uvula with just a flick of my tongue. Still have that filmy taste in my mouth though.  Maybe it not a film. Maybe my mouth is closing in! Like on the cartoons? The cat tries to eat the bird so the bird puts Alum in the cats mouth and it immediately puckers? Oh No! There’s Alum in my nuts! How do I keep from puckering?!?! They never show that in the cartoon! Damn you Merry Melodies! Damn Yooooouuuuuu hm hm hm ermm! Ermmmm! uck!


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