Humor

Coma-Fart

It hasn’t happened yet…but I know it’s going to…probably when I least expect it…and most likely in front of a lot of people…several whom will have cameras…and all will put it on youtube…and that will be that.

See, I have this fear. It’s a very real fear, and I hope that perhaps somebody else out there shares it with me. At least then we could start a support group. Perhaps they don’t even know they’re afraid of this, but once they read this blog, they’ll realized the fear and be paralyzed with it as often as I am. Happy to help!

I am afraid that one day I will be day dreaming and, while my mind is dreaming, my mouth will be fully awake and just start saying what I’m thinking. And I’m not talking about something you just mumble under your breath. I’m talkin’ the whole thing…

You’re watching the Lawrence Welk show with your grandma, but thinking about the awesome sex you had last night? (don’t act like you don’t!) Suddenly you blurt out, “I don’t think I’ve ever cum like that before!”

Listening to your friend complain about how horrible men are, but you can’t stop looking at her Burt Reynold ‘stache. So you blurt out, “Stop bitching and wax that caterpillar off your face!”

Horrifying isn’t it? And those are just made up off the top of my head. Here’s a real one..

A few months back I was at a cook-out. I didn’t know a lot of people there, but was happy to make new friends. As I sat down with my plate full of the most delicious food ever imagined, I hear a woman a few seats down from me say, “The only time people who are pro-choice are happy is when the choice has been abortion.”

What a shocking comment to hear at something as low-key as a cook-out. The woman she was addressing was calmly nodding as if to say, “I can’t believe you said that, but I agree. You should join my Pro-life club. We’re planning a clinic bombing next month.”

I decided to sit somewhere else.

At my new table, there was a lot of farm-talk; tractors, chickens, corn. I was hoping the conversation would move on to something like… the new overalls Versace was going to be putting out, but no luck. So I did what I do best and zoned out. In my head, I was back with the pro-lifers, trying to figure out how the subject could even have been brought up.

“Oh Diane, look at this wonderful bar-b-que chicken! It looks like a little fetus…”

“Janet, stop! You’re such a card! Though I hear people who are pro-choice just LOVE eating fetuses!”

“Barbarians, Diane, barbarians!”

“I’d much rather be a bar-b-que-ian.”

“HAHAHAHAHA!”

yeah.

I want to say here that I’m not putting these women down because they’re pro-life. I’m not trying to get all political or controversial or anything. I was just bugged by the brash generalization of a group. I don’t think everyone who is pro-life bombs abortion clinics anymore than I think people who are pro-choice enjoy having unprotected sex after a day of baby killin’.  I think the comment the woman made was pretty ignorant and it makes me curious how the rest of her brain works.

“Child Molesters love little boys.”

“Little boys who are loved grow up to be doctors.”

“Therefore, Child Molesters make doctors.”

Next thing you know, she’ll dragging her grandsons to the Annual NAMBLA Camp-out.

“Come on kids, this gets you one step closer to Medical School!”

(By the way, for those who don’t know, Nambla is the North American Man Boy Love Association. Don’t google it. You’ll get on a list, I’m sure. Then I’ll feel bad when I see you on Dateline.)

But what if everyone did think like that? Taking huge stereo types and rumors and making them completely valid. Wouldn’t really work well for the pro-lifers. I mean, then I’d have to assume that they really hate children. They’d expect women who can’t take care of their kids to give them up for adoption. And we all know what kind of people adopt children. The kind of people who just want the check, and keep the kids locked in cages. And don’t even try to convince me that you want the child in a happy family because then I’ll only think you’re pro-cannibalism.  After all, Jeffrey Dahmer came from a very loving family and we all saw where that got him! Hmm, so then I guess Pro-lifers are cannibals! Gasp!

Obviously, I was being a bit sarcastic there, but this is where my mind was when the shades on my eyes snapped open and I realized I was being stared at by the entire table.

“Oh God, please tell me I didn’t just mention cannibalism while half comatose at a bar-b-que!” I prayed.

“Babe!” my husband was standing next to me, “You alright? I asked if you wanted me to get you a piece of pie.”

I kinda laughed, silently thanked God for keeping my mouth closed, and said, “Yeah. Apple. Please. Thank you.”

Dodged a bullet this time…but what about next time? It’s bound to happen. No one can just shut off their thoughts. Except for perhaps Buddhist. Hm. It may be I’ve been looking at this all wrong. Maybe I just need to change my religion. As long as Buddhist aren’t cannibals. Should probably Google that before I make any type of commitment.

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