Humor

Mr. Kindle, I presume.

I’m warm and cozy in bed with an hour to kill before the kids wake up.

No.

Not kill.

Savor!

On a freezing January morning, with my husband away, there is nothing I want more than to play with my favorite toy. I’m excited! We pick up right where we left…no foreplay needed.  I only hope this time I can finish before we’re interrupted! I take a deep breath, relax my hands, and begin reading.

Damn I love my Kindle!

We met on a sunny day in July. I was wearing a jean skirt and red tank top. He came wrapped in a smiling brown box. My fingers, nervous and moist, fumbled to get him on the charger. I read the instructions cover to cover so I would know Mr. Kindle well. I didn’t want to disappoint. When the charge was complete, I covered him in a red leather case, and held my breath. From the moment I flipped the switch, my reading life has not been the same.

I have nothing against book-books. To be honest, I’m a naughty girl in that I do still flirt with them. But…they no longer give me everything I desire. But my Kindle…oh Mr. Kindle. He  spoils me!

When I need something new to read, I could get dressed, go out in the freezing snow, and drive across town only to find the book store isn’t open before noon! I could do all this. But Mr. Kindle whispers, “Just turn me on, baby. Let me take care of  you.” I don’t have to put on pants or make up or let my car heat up for 10 minutes. I just slink down into the blanket a little further and shop in the Kindle store.

Like with most relationships, it took a little practice to get all our buttons to click. I like looking at book covers. Mr. Kindle sometimes doesn’t offer me a clear picture. I enjoy reading “About the Author”.  Sometimes, Mr. Kindle doesn’t have this page.  There’s even a few books I looked up that my Kindle just didn’t offer.  But, we’ve gotten over those humps.

Our biggest obstacle was his stamina. It was both our faults, really. I wanted him to be available to me every minute of every day and  for as long as I felt I needed him. And for the most part…he was. But there was a couple of days when I couldn’t get him turned on. Poor guy just ran out of battery power. Sure, I was disappointed, but after an hour of being plugged into the charger he was right back to his old self. Fully charged and ready to satisfy my needs.

I suppose the worst thing about the Kindle has nothing to do with the Kindle itself, but rather the people who don’t believe in Kindle-people relations. They want to keep us segregated. The signs are everywhere.

“We don’t serve Kindles here.”

“Kindles must use back door!”

“Turn the Kindle off and watch t.v!”

Disgusting shows of hatred from a bunch of rotten…Kindlist! Some Kindlisms aren’t so bold though. I often hear snide remarks, even from close friends,  about not being able to feel the pages or smell the books.

Smelling books. God I love it! From the old and musty flavor of a thousand fingers passed to the refreshing essence of untainted pages. There’s nothing, at least from this book-lovers point of view, more intoxicating. Once, at a library sale, I filled  a paper bag with as many books as I could (for only $3).  As soon as I got home, I took out all the  books and huffed on the bad while reading Shoot the Moon. It was nearly orgasmic! But once again, it’s just something we had to compromise on. When I need that old book smell, Mr. Kindle has no problem if I head to the library, or even the book store, to feed my desires. He’s wonderful in that way.

I hope I’m not dissuading anyone from possibly purchasing their own Kindle. Honestly, his few faults mean nothing when i think of all the great things he’s done for me.  Not only can I purchase books from my bed, but he’ll also allow me to read samples of novels that I’m just not too sure about before I commit. He suggests books to me that perhaps I never would have cogitated. Oh yes, that’s another thing he does. If there’s a word I don’t understand, I simply point it out and he tells me its meaning. Cogitated: Think deeply about. He’s so smart!

When a friend recommends a book, I no longer have to scour the city for days on end. I now just give the name to Mr. Kindle and he hunts it down for me. Usually, just within second! And not only books, but blogs, newspapers, and magazines. If I’m feeling especially frisky, he’ll even help me Google something.

Oh, I’m sorry, I know I’m bragging. But, you know how it is when one falls in love! We’ve been together for 6 months now…and it’s just been amazing! I can only imagine people who have Nooks and other E-readers feel the same way. Well, maybe they’re not as serious as Mr. Kindle and I. Things are pretty great. As a matter of fact, I’m meeting him again tonight around 10 p.m. Should be interesting…my husband will be in bed with us! Oh Gawd, I’m so excited!

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