Humor

Yay for the Gyno!

Of course this happens now. As soon as I open the door to my gynecologists office, I have the urge to pee. I never know what to do. If I pee, there’s no doubt they’ll want me to give a urine sample for this or that. If I don’t pee, I’m worried she’ll press a button while inspecting things down there and it’ll just…spray.  I decide I’ll pee, but before I’m even done filling out the insurance information, a nurse is calling me back to the examination room.

We stop by the weigh-station and I’m annoyed to find the scale says I’m 4 lbs heavier than my scale at home says. I tell the nurse I’m really not that heavy…I just weighed myself 2 hours ago…I’m full of pee…perhaps I should take all my clothes off and try this  again? No dice…she writes down the lie and takes me back.

In the room, she pulls out a laptop and begins asking questions.

“When is your birthday?” CLICK-CLICK-CLICK-CLICK…

“When’s the first day of your last period?” CLICK-CLICK-CLICK-CLICK-CLICK…

“Do you have any questions for the doctor?” CLICK-CLICK-CLICK-CLICK…

Then she stops suddenly,  “Hmm…my laptop just froze up. And I can’t remember what else I’m suppose to ask you. Oh well!” She giggles nervously and I’m fully aware how young this girl really is.  Why oh why couldn’t they give me the gnarly old nurse who still recommends using lemon juice as a form of birth control???

Before she leaves, she instructs me to put on the “gown”, opened in the front and hands me a translucent sheet to “cover” myself with. I don’t understand the point of the sheet until I put on the gown. I can’t get it to close around my boobs! I have to make a decision, which boob shall get the extra coverage?

You, Mighty Righty, are the chosen one!

As much as I’m paying for this examination, you’d think they’d go all out and get the full coverage gowns.Perhaps that’s something you have to ask for in advance. “Yes, I need to make an appointment for Friday. I’d like a room with a view, mini-fridge, and a gown big enough to cover the twins, please.”

While I was at it, I should have requested a room with some heat! I don’t think doctors realize that the examination rooms are one of the few places in the world where we  don’t mind if it’s too warm. I understand if my gyno doesn’t want hot sweaty vagina in her face all day, but then they should really offer a more appropriate robe to wear, hmmm. Perhaps next time, I’ll bring my big fuzzy one. (Robe….big fuzzy robe…not sweaty vagina…I…nevermind.)

While enduring the long and painful wait, I inspect the room. Nothing out of the ordinary. Clean room…counter, sink, hand sanitizer. Then I notice a sign, “PLEASE TURN YOUR CELL PHONE COMPLETELY OFF. WE WILL NOT COMPETE FOR YOUR ATTENTION.” I have no idea if mine is on or not so I hop off the bed, with my thin little sheet wrapped around my body like a toga, and start rummaging through my purse.

Then there’s two quick knocks on the door and the doctor walks right on in. I don’t know why they bother knocking. First of all, they give you more than enough time to change out of your clothes. MORE than enough time! Secondly, they don’t give you time to say, “Hold on, I’m naked!” before they walk in! Anyways, my doctor walks in and I’m grappling at my sheet while trying to turn off my phone and explaining, not very well, that I just noticed the No Phone sign, and please don’t mind Lefty here saying Peek-a-boo!

Back on the bed, we’re discussing things, but all I’m really thinking is, “I have to pee. I have to pee. I have to pee. Don’t pee on the doctor!”  It’s finally time for the big show! I lay back and she sticks my feet in the stirrups. I hate the stirrups. They automatically open your legs, leaving you incredibly vulnerable. I put my knees together  because the doctor has more to say to me, and I’m not sure how comfortable she really is speaking into my vagina. “Helllllloooooo! Echo….echo….” She then tells me to open up and slide down on the bed a little lower. A little lower. Just a little more. Eventually she just grabs my hips and pulls me down. “There we go.”

I don’t know why, but the thought suddenly occurs to me, “For the rest of my life, I’ll know that this woman knows what my vagina looks like.” I’ll never be able to say hi to her in a restaurant or a football game or our children’s school functions!

So without giving too much information out (yeah, I’m worried about that now!) Everything went as normal. she warned me I was going to feel some pressure, and then she slowly pried apart my insides. But at least she didn’t pinch, which is what my last doctor was famous for! The exam was over in just a matter of minutes, and I am happy to report I did NOT pee on the doctor.

But I did knock down an old lady on my way to the restroom…so…yeah…

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7 thoughts on “Yay for the Gyno!

    1. Oh yeah, been there, done that. Except that time I really DID pee on the doctor. Sorta blocked it from my memory. thanks for bringing it up though. Years of therapy…down the drain. 😉

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