Once upon a time (last week) in a land far far away (depending on how far you live from Ohio), there lived a young prince named Thomas (we call him Tommy).
Prince Thomas was a very honorable man (5-year-old). In his short life he had mastered the art of the chariot (Power Wheels), conquered the grass of Pele’ (pre-school soccer), and had even risen from the dead (not like Jesus). In all his triumphs, one thing the prince could not acquire was the love of a princess (getting a girlfriend.)
His beautiful mother, Queen Rachel (sing it!), had warned dear Thomas about the complications with maidens (dem bitches got cooties, yo!). Alas, Prince Thomas only dreamed of one day filling his heart with many women (actually, he said he wanted to fill his van with girls, but it sounds better the other way. Less creepy.)
Then one day, at the Academy of Mini Craniums (pre-school), Prince Thomas noticed two lovely princesses. He decided that both of them shall be his girlfriend. When he told Queen Rachel about this, she was not pleased (actually, I thought it was cute). She asked how a man can love two princesses at one time. Prince Thomas answered that he would love them both equally, and if one shall leave him, he’ll have one left over (that’s the part that displeased me.) Knowing her child’s stubbornness (pain in the assness), Queen Rachel let her son make his own decision about how to pursue the lovely ladies.
Then one day (yesterday, actually), Prince Thomas came to his mother with a worrisome heart (yeah, he was kinda geeked out.) “Mother (though when he says it, its ‘muver’. He’s so cute!), I am in a pickle. I am wearing my handsome clothes on St. Valentines Day, and I’m scared when the girls see me in my handsome clothes, they’ll want to hug and kiss me.”(Oh, how I wish I was making that part up!)
Queen Rachel pursed her lips and asked, “And why is this a problem? Do you not want them to know about each other?” (Is it wrong to think your own child is kind of a dog?)
“It’s not that,” he answered, “I am just a (little) boy, and should only be getting kisses and hugs from the Queen (my mommy)”
The Queen was touched by her sons words (I cried, a little) and assured her son that if one of the princesses were to try to seduce (smooch) him, he could just calmly tell her no (kick her in the leg!) and walk away (run for dear life).
At the end of the Valentines Day, Prince Thomas did not receive a kiss or hug from any of the princesses. And as he rode home with the Queen he told her, “I can’t wait till I AM a man so I CAN get hugs and kisses from those girls cause they. are. HOT!”
Queen Rachel just smiled (and thought, “damn it!”)