As soon as I finish my shower the baby joins me in the bathroom. This usually ends in chaos, as she races to grab ahold of anything and everything.
Mascara… “Oh, I’m suppose to put this on my eyes, right?”
Nail Polish… “Yummy! Juice!”
Rubbing Alcohol… “Yay, splashing time!”
I grab anything that looks like it could possibly be used as baby artillery and shove it to the back of my vanity. But to my surprise, she ignores me and picks up one of my sons sacred toys. (all his toys are sacred, if you ask him, and yet all of them are constantly on the floor. Go figure!)
I know she’s not suppose to have it. And, as I brush my teeth, I realize she knows she’s not suppose to have it. Every time a sound comes from the other room she stops, remarkably still, and her eyes slide to the door. I know she’s praying it won’t happen, but we both know the inevitable truth. Tommy is going to burst through the door, shriek at the sight of his precious toy being held in the hands of an infidel, and then practically rip her arm off when he takes it back. But for now, it’s obvious he’s too enthralled in T.U. F.F Puppy, so she continues playing.
There’s probably a parenting book out there that would say I should take the toy from her out of respect for my son…or some kind of crap like that, but she’s being soooo good! I’ve actually brushed my teeth, flossed, and covered myself w/ lotion without a single cry or tug from her. It’s heaven! After brushing my hair, I flip the hair dryer on and off real quick. I’m just testing the waters. Normally when I turn it on, the loud noise scares her and she clings and cries…cries and clings. But my test proves positive as she is too bewitched by the forbidden treasure. It’s a miracle!
But before I can begin drying my hair, my husband comes in. The baby and I freeze and life moves in slow motion. Looking down at her he says, “You’re not suppoooooose to have thaaaaaaattt.” He swipes it from her tiny unexpected hand.
And she cries.
I turn the blow dryer towards my husband, my finger jittery on the Cool Air trigger, “Give it back!” I scream, “Give it back or I will blow you! I will fucking blow you away!”
He smiles coolly and says, “um, okay.”
“I said I’d blow you AWAY. Now give her back the toy.”
But it’s too late. Tommy comes in and yells, “No! Give me that!” and off he runs. She begins screaming and sobbing, and Steven sheepishly leaves the room.
I knew it was too good to be true! Oh the peace! Oh the quiet! How I miss you, so! I need another outlawed item. So, I hand her my husband’s toothbrush, which she happily snots all over while I finish drying my hair.
Mother of the year? You bet!
Wife of the year? Eh…not so much.