So…I’m short. And it’s really no big deal most of the time. Actually, I kinda like it. It’s a great way to change the subject at boring parties.
“Hey look at me! I’m 3 inches from being classified as a little person!”
Then I do a little leprechaun-ish dance and say “Wacka Wacka” a lot. And people love this. They pat me on the head. It’s a good time.
Then there’s the times it sucks-like today. A few weeks back I decided to switch from buying the expensive flavored coffee to buying regular coffee and expensive creamer. (Yeah, I can’t explain it, but I’ve justified it in my head. Leave me alone!) So far, I’ve had the original which tastes like nothing. The French Vanilla, a step up from nothing. And Italian Cream, which is pretty good. But now I’m ready for a little something…more. Something more indulgent. Something that tastes like I didn’t heat it up in my dirty microwave. And I think I’ve found it. Chocolate Raspberry. Mmmmm, right? But the problem, as you probably guessed, is that it was a tiny bit out of my reach. Tiny bit meaning 2 feet. But you know what? I stood before that refrigerated case in the grocers, undaunted. I would get my creamer!
Slyly, I looked down the aisle to my left and to my right. I was alone for now. If I was going to make my move, I would have to do it quickly and with the stealth-like moves of a cat. There’s a little step at the bottom of the fridge. The plan was to step on that, get on my tippy-toes and push the bottle of creamer from the bottom with my fingertips so it would tip over, and I could catch it before it hit the floor. Oh it was so easy in my head.
Steps 1 and 2 were simple. But in step 3, I realized I had underestimated the weight of a 32 oz. bottle of creamer! It didn’t budge. I tried a couple times, but still…nothing. My heart began racing as people, gobs of people it seemed, decided to cram down my aisle! Hoping to save some dignity, I decided to just kinda bounce on the step and grab the bottle. “Oh goodbye sweet dignity”, I said when my bounce suddenly came with it’s own soundtrack! See, I forgot that I had one of my toddlers toys in my purse. And with every bounce I attempted, the fridge door would hit my purse in just the right spot and a loud BOY-OY-OYING, BOY-OY-OYING, BOY-OY-OYING would seem to play from my ass! Not sure why I continued the bounce-retrieval-method after that happened the first time, but I did. 3 times, actually. And then I noticed a nice little crowd gathering behind me. I gave up, stepped down, grabbed a bottle of French Vanilla, and tried to save face by mumbling, “I didn’t really want that flavor, anyways.”
Not my finest moment.
I’m now home, sad and disappointed. Stupid top shelf! The top shelf is the most annoying thing about being short…except for perhaps when people sing that “Short People” song by Randy Newman. Oh well…it’s gonna be okay. I already have a plan for next week’s grocery trip.
1. Clean the toys from my purse
2. Wear 6-inch heels