I’ve been doing a great job of avoiding old boyfriends lately. I don’t know why they’ve all suddenly decided to pop into my world at the oddest and most inconvenient moments, but they have. And I don’t like it. It’s not that I don’t like them, but…well yeah…actually, I don’t like them. No hard feelings, but we had little to nothing to talk about when we were 15, why should we stop and have the annoying and uncomfortable after-graduation chat?
“what’cha been up to?”
“Nothin’. Workin’. Sucks. You?”
“Nothin’. I stay at home with the kids.”
< awkward pause >
“Okay, this has been fun. I’m gonna go pay for my tampons now. You have a nice life.”
Everyone thinks if you’re a stay-at-home mom, you have it made. My motto is, If it’s so easy during the day, I wouldn’t drink so much at night! Okay, that’s a lie…I drink all day. But, that’s a whole blog all by itself.
Anyways, to avoid coming off as super-bitch to these men who might actually have a few fond memories of me, I run down needless aisles, put boxes of cereal in front of my face so they can’t see me, and pretend to be on very important phone calls as I quickly walk pass and give an acknowledging smile. If not for these tactics I’d be forced to stop and chat while their wives size me up.
“Hey remember that time you got drunk and called me and slurred, ‘I can’t wait till we have sex cause we’re not just gonna fuck, we’re gonna make love.’ How funny was that? Oh this is your wife? Nice to meet you.”
By the way, I’d just like to note, I did not have sex with, fuck, OR make love to the person in question. Thank goodness too. He’s got 3 kids, 1 on the way, and apparently powerful sperm. All boys. Dear God!
And I am that girl who would blurt out the most inappropriate thing to say when under pressure.
“You’re married? Wow, I thought you were gay!”
“Unemployed? yeah, I kinda figured you would be.”
“Divorced, huh? She find your abundant collection of Asian Porn?”
“Remember that time you said you loved me? What happened to that?”
Alright, there might have been a tiny bit of bitterness in that last one, but for good reason. And that’s also a whole other blog for another time.
Anyways, it’s been a few days since I’ve had to pretend to read a book or hide in the lady’s room or act like I’m having a really interesting conversation with a Wal-mart greeter, so I’m thinking the Annual Faux Pas Review might be over. Let me know if any of you have any tricks I might be able to use next year when this most aggravating occasion swings in again.