Humor · Marriage · Motherhood · SAHM

Husband-Fix-O-Matic

I’ve come up with a brilliant invention! It’s going to change technology and man-kind as we know it! I’m so excited and I have my husband, Steven, to thank for this. Perhaps I’ll share a quarter of the profits with him.

I had been in bed for about an hour, furiously reading as many magazines as I could in hopes of getting rid of my massive pile, when my husband struts in looking quite pleased with himself.

“What’s up?” I ask with arched eye brow.

“Nothin’ at all.” he says with normal eye brow.

I couldn’t help but notice this overconfident air about him. He was only watching t.v., but his whole body screamed cocky. His smile was swaggering. His hands gestures, arrogant. His pants, smarty. I was getting irritated! But I was busy trying to get through the magazines so didn’t ask again.

“Oh by the way, ” he finally says, “I did the dishes tonight. ”

THAT’S what it was! He did the dishes! And like a good dog who brings home a dead rabbit, he wanted scratched behind the ears. So I scratched.

“Awe! You didn’t have to do that.  Thank you! It will save me some time in the morning. You’re so wonderful!” And by the end of that sentence he was tapping his leg like a happy dog does.

With no sarcasm whatsoever, I really was happy he did the dishes. Oh sure, it’s just a matter of loading and unloading the dishwasher, filling the little cup with soap, and pressing a button, but trying to do that with a 1-year-old’s ‘help’ is not always the easiest thing to do. He really did save me some time.

In the morning, long after Steven had left for work, I got up and made myself a bowl of cereal.  When I opened the dishwasher to grab a spoon, I was smacked in the face with the worst smell of spoiled milk and fish.  But the act of gagging was over taken by the act of clenching my fist! My head nearly exploded! He didn’t ‘do’ the dishes! He just loaded the dishwasher completely full and left them sit all night! Every single dish that I was going to need that morning was in that dishwasher. Spoons for cereal! Sippy Cups for the baby! The special child-proof plastic plates for my sons Pop Tarts! ALL STILL DIRTY!!!  ARRRRRRRRGH!

It’s not the dishes themselves that ticked me off. I just got the ones I was going to need right away out and washed them by hand. It was the fact that I stroked his ego! It’s the fact that I do the dishes every day…sometimes twice…sometimes by hand…and no one every strokes MY ego! No one ever says, “Rachel, these plates are so clean I could eat off them.” But he comes in all proud of himself and I fall all over myself with thanks. THANKS FOR NOTHING as it turns out!

Okay, so the sane part of me says, “Rachel, it’s just dishes. Cool down. He helps a lot around the house (at least compared to my friends’ husbands.) So he forgot this one little step. Not a big deal.” Then the crazy part of me says, “HE FORGETS THIS ONE LITTLE STEP EVERY DAMN TIME HE DOES THE DISHES! AND I’VE ALREADY POURED THE MILK ON MY CEREAL AND NOW MY CHEERIOS ARE GOING TO GET SOGGY BECAUSE I HAVE TO WASH DISHES! I DON’T WANT SOGGY CHEERIOS!” And the sane part of me says, “You’re right. Give him hell as soon as he gets home from work!”

But that’s when it happened. In my crazy state of mind, that’s when I came up with the most ingenious invention since the printing press.  I call it, “The Husband Button”.  You simply attach it to your dishwasher via magnet. With great technology, The Husband Button will sense when the dishwasher is full and if your husband is standing near by. After 4 seconds of being full, if it has not been turned on it will activate.  A mechanical  hand will unfold from your dishwasher and bonk him on the head with a rubber mallet. It will then wait another 7 seconds and if it still has not been turned on, it will beat him unconscious.  This will be followed by a very sexy voice (I’m thinking George Clooney or Sam Elliott) saying, “Honey, can you turn on the dishwasher?” and once you do, it says, “Wow you’re amazing. Thank you.” Then the mechanical hand pushes your husband out of your way so you can have yourself an Archway cookie for all your hard work.

Right now it’s just an idea. I’m not exactly sure how the technology will work, since the schematics derive from a Looney Tunes cartoon, but I bet I can find a nice little Chinese company to help me out.  Look for it on store shelves in 2015!

Oh, when Steven got home I didn’t mention the dishwasher. But he did. As I was typing this blog,  he pops his head in and says, “hey, the dishes that were in the dishwasher from last night. Uh…you washed those before putting them away, right?”  It’s comments like this that make me want to work on my other invention. The Extend-O-Smack!

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One thought on “Husband-Fix-O-Matic

  1. Sign me up for any trial testing you might need!! I SO need one!! Is there anyway we can use Gerard Butler’s voice? Oh and maybe there should be another button we can push to get our egos stroked mire often when say we fix dinner, do laundry or bathe the kids?? Just a thought!! 🙂

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