Humor · turning 30

Thanks, but No Thanks

It’s almost my birthday. The BIG one. The big 3-0. I can’t say I’m too freaked out yet. Check back with me in about week for my nervous break-down blog. Till then, I’m distracted with the famous bday question: So what do you want for your birthday? And the answer is…I dunno. I have everything I need. And the things I want; a maid, a nanny, a chef, a butler, and a personal trainer? Well, I’m just too uncomfortable with asking people to buy me people for my birthday. Seems a bit much, don’t you think? So, I’ve decided to make a list of the things I don’t want instead. I’m sure if we steer clear of these few items, my birthday will go off without a hitch. It didn’t make the list, but I don’t want any hitches for my bday either!

Top 5 Gifts I Do Not Want for my 30th Birthday

1) Pasta Express

I enjoy cooking with cool products, but this is just inane.  Normally to cook pasta you boil some water, slide the pasta into the pot and let it boil for about 10 minutes. You do the same here. Except you boil the water, and then actually cook the pasta in the tube. That’s exactly what I need. One more dish to clean. No thank you.

2) Banana Bunker

I’m sure banana protection is really important for the girl-on-the-go, but I’m a stay at home mom and can usually get the bananas eaten in a timely manner. Therefore, I don’t really need to carry one around with me. And even if I did…I’m not sure I’d wrap it in this. I really don’t need anything that looks like this hanging around in my kitchen.

3)  Natural Harvest Cookbook

Oh that does sound innocent enough, doesn’t it?  One might conjure up images of fresh fruits and vegis, homemade wheat bread, and politically correct meats being served on a large wooden kitchen table. The last thing you think of is someone jerking his load into your Tiramisu, but that’s what you get with this book.  Natural Harvest is “an inspirational collection of semen-based recipes.”  Yeah, semen doesn’t just make babies and ruin your sheets,  “… but it also has a wonderful texture and amazing cooking properties.” or so I’ve read.  As great as this sounds…it’s not really 30th birthday material. 35th perhaps.

4)  Teddy Bear Lamp

Yet another seemingly innocent product.  The Teddy Bear Lamp is a decapitated teddy bear who now lives his days sitting on your shelf lighting up your nights and scaring the hell out of your guests.  But, lets just ignore that tiny little detail for the moment. There is no reason you should ever buy a (soon-to-be) 30-year-old woman any type of teddy bear ever. After…5, Teddy Bears are just kinda silly and only take up space. Though I suppose if you got one that doubled as a lamp, that at least shows you were thinking. I do need new lamps for the family room. Just not furry ones. Holy Crap! Did you see the price of that thing???  On second thought, go ahead and get it for me. Just don’t be too upset if I return it and keep the cash. 😉

5) Shewee

I remember the first time I was shown a tampon. After it was explained how I’m suppose to use it, I looked at the person and said, “say what?”  I had the same exact reaction with the Shewee. Like the tampon, I understand it’s purpose; women can now stand and pee like a man! No more squatting for us! But looking at the device I still frowned, “say what?”  What can turn that frown upside down? This website! You MUST check out this website! At first glance, you notice the Shewee contraption and, if you’re anything like me, think, “so…how…what…how?”  But then let your eyes slide up to the ever changing banner.  The first picture is a woman hugging her mom. They’re both smiling and thinking, “Yay, no more accidents for either of us now!!” (Okay that part, I made up. Just to note, everything I say they’re thinking or saying is made up.)  Next is a pregnant woman holding her belly and staring off into the sea. “Just think, ” she thinks, “my little girl is gonna grow up in a world where she doesn’t have to worry about the strain of squatting in a scary dark forest while on a camping trip with a cute college guy, and the embarrassment that usually follows after realizing she just pissed all over herself and/or lost her balance and fell into her own piss anyways. What a world!” This picture is followed by a picture of a woman on top of a mountain with her hands out, dreaming of the day she can stand on that mountain and pee in the breeze like her fellow male mountain climbers.  And finally a picture of a woman in a red tank top, her hands outstretched and saying, “Thank you Shewee! Now when my weird boyfriend asks me to pee on him after sex, I’ll be able to aim at his head!”  After you’re done laughing at these super-happy babes excited to pee like a man, check out the “Buy Here” tab. I assumed it was just gonna give me the price and ask for a credit card. Oh no. Shewee comes in all your favorite colors; Pink, blue, red. Even Desert Sand (because yellow would just be odd, right?). There’s also accessories for your Shewee! A carrying case AND extension pipe! They also offer shorts with a big red zipper on the front for Shewee easy access, a “Stand Up and Take Control” t-shirt, and strangely enough, a pocket knife. But that’s not all folks! (I’m really in love this website.) Check out the bubble titled Other Great Products We Love. Here you’ll find a solid waste collection bad, The Life of Pee book,  and this OTHER horrifying thing.

To tell the truth, the more I look at this website, the more I love it.  It’s better than a pasta tube or a beheaded bear or a phallus shaped banana holder and much much better than making my own Creamy Cum Crepes (say that 10 times fast!)!  I’ve changed my mind. I DO want a Shewee for my 30th birthday! I DO! And I’ll say Thank You Very Much!


5 thoughts on “Thanks, but No Thanks

  1. Okay, at first I was just thinking that the Shewee was just odd. But now that I’ve thought about it, it kinda makes sense. I don’t know if I would go out and buy one myself, but just think of all the connivence of going with the spout. On the other hand, once when you finish using it, how are you expected to clean it on the go? Just take it out and let it drip? Maybe just keep it in? I don’t know. I haven’t read too much into it, but it does look pretty cool.

    If I was going to buy one, I think I’ll lean towards blue.

    1. haha (lean towards blue). Honestly, that’s How I felt too! It DOES make sense! And clean up does not sound like a good time. You’re suppose to store it in a resealable bag. But what if you have to use it again before you can get it washed??? and how do you explain what you’re washing if someone sees you? And does the ‘cup’ part of it fill up so you have to pace how fast you pee? The world may never know. 🙂

  2. Where on earth did you find these things? lol.. At first site the banana thingy had my perverted mind so very confused, I actually forgot what I was looking at! The Teddy Bear lamp haha interested and morbid at the same time and I imagine if you give that 129 dollar lamp to a kid he/she would cry because it has no head!! And the Shewee (which is female goes piss in Native American btw) is interesting, and a good concept..however like Kalley mentioned how would you clean it. I can just imagine standing at the sink cleaning it up, and someone walking in..what do you say if anything? lol..

    I hope you do not get any of these for your b-day!

    1. I’ve actually seen the pasta thing, banana thingy, semen book, and shewee on t.v. Insomnia Infomercials. And I think you would say, “Just cleaning my Shewee!” if someone caught you. Hahaha! could you imagine???

  3. LOL. I was going to ask how the hell you could find those insane choices but then you answered that. I puked in my mouth a few times reading the natural harvest cookbook. I don’t think I will be able to eat out comfortably now without wondering. I like the idea of the Shewee but it seems like a pain to clean. I hope your birthday will be fun. For 30 you should get something special.

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