Humor · SAHM · turning 30

Now What?

I suppose now that I’m 30, I should really look for deeper meaning into my life…or something.  Like, How the hell did I go from…

To

???????

We could blame it on my sadistic older sister or my parents divorce or the babysitter who used to let me watch porn, and that’s cool. I’m okay with that.  But it doesn’t help me in the situation I’m in today. I’m at a crossroads in my life people.  Shit, nothing easy ever begins at crossroads.

I’ve been a stay-at-home mom for 5 years. It’s been good. Some ups, some downs. Some days I take  several moments thanking God for my wonderful life.  Other days I just lay in bed trying to remember the days when I could just lay in bed. Gawd those were good days.

But now I’m 30. Time to get my rear in gear and my shit together. I can’t be a stay-at-home-mom forever, can I? No, seriously, can I? Can I please??? No…no. It’s time to figure out what I want to be when I grow up.

Should I go back to school? What should I study? What should I study that I can actually make money doing? How much money is it going to cost me to study? Is the job market really that bad or are people just whiny a-holes?  Can somebody just give me my own reality show, please? I wonder if my husband is up for dispersing the sex-tape we made in 2001?  Shouldn’t I have this all fucking figured out by now?

Maybe I’ll just pimp myself out into the universe.

WANTED

Job that gets me out of the house 3x a week, but only when I wanna go and will not include Rainy, Snowy, or nice Sunny days.  Or, what the hell, Fridays either.

Must pay at least $17.00/hr.

Boss and co-workers must leave me alone unless they want to bitch/laugh-at boss or co-workers.

Anyone who brings up Real Housewives of Anyplace gets a smack in the ear.

Work should be easy, but not so mind-numbing retarded that I start having sexual fantasies while working on Excel sheets.

Mid day happy hour is mandatory.

Facebook is encouraged.

And people wearing too much perfume/cologne will be shot from a cannon during the first 20 minutes of the day (which begins at 10.)

Oh, and office must supply Day Care. That’s really important.

So, if you or anyone you know can hook me up with something like that, please message me back, asap.  Now I just need to sit back and wait for the job offers to come rolling in.

Life. Is. Solved. Be-otch!

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8 thoughts on “Now What?

  1. To answer your questions..

    1. YES you can be a stay at home mom forever..just keep having kids! Keep popping those babies out, and you’ll NEVER have to work again! lol.. but if you do not want to do that..

    You could become a circus clown, open up your own Lemonade Stand in your front yard (make sure you have a permit), dig through others trash and have year around garage sales, selling all the treasures you found in others trash, start walking dogs in the neighborhood. Buy an Ice-Cream bicycle and sell ice cream (please come to Conover if you choose to do this). You could start your own V-Blog on youtube and hope and pray that enough people watch your channel that Youtube will start paying you! Start your own web-cam site called The Life of Rachel..and let people watch you swing the baby all day.

    If all else fails you could go back to school to be a nurse, or something in the medical field because well that’s the fastest growing job now..and it pays good! (And yes there really is a shortage of jobs.. I can’t even get a job a McDonalds.. which I have to admit doesn’t really suck ..lol..but does.)

    1. Here’s what’s wrong with everything you just said.

      I can’t have anymore babies, I have insecurities about my nose and would rather not paint it red, my streets not busy enough for Lemonade to be all that lucrative, I have a fear of digging in others trash, it’s illegal in town to have year long garage sales, I don’t like walking my own dog-let alone others, driving ice cream around on a bike sounds too much like work, I don’t know what a v-blog is but if it stands for vagina I’m not doing that, Web cams creep the hell outta me cuz I just know someone somewhere is ALWAYS watching, I would never be a nurse because I hate people…especially whiny sick people and I’d never work in the medical field because I don’t have the self-confidence to pull it off.

      Thanks for trying though. 😉

  2. LOL. Not happening girl. I have been trying to find that job for a long time and it’s no where. The only way to get a job that fits requirements is have Real skills, Real qualifications and degrees and open up your own business and hang up signs of your own rules and anyone who doesn’t follow them you can kick them out on their butt.

    Should I go back to school, should I go to work.. Ahhh the age-old questions. I feel like we talk about it too much and we should just get out there and do something. Because at some point, those kids will be up and out and we will be too old to learn how to cope in the working world and awfully odd looking with a cane in the colleges….

    I need your drawing skills right now and a scanner so you can see this image in my head of future ancient me sitting beside all these future 18 year old kids who have a year left to becoming a doctor.

    That’s when we will regret not getting out of our house and doing something other than a mom…

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