We could blame it on my sadistic older sister or my parents divorce or the babysitter who used to let me watch porn, and that’s cool. I’m okay with that. But it doesn’t help me in the situation I’m in today. I’m at a crossroads in my life people. Shit, nothing easy ever begins at crossroads.
I’ve been a stay-at-home mom for 5 years. It’s been good. Some ups, some downs. Some days I take several moments thanking God for my wonderful life. Other days I just lay in bed trying to remember the days when I could just lay in bed. Gawd those were good days.
But now I’m 30. Time to get my rear in gear and my shit together. I can’t be a stay-at-home-mom forever, can I? No, seriously, can I? Can I please??? No…no. It’s time to figure out what I want to be when I grow up.
Should I go back to school? What should I study? What should I study that I can actually make money doing? How much money is it going to cost me to study? Is the job market really that bad or are people just whiny a-holes? Can somebody just give me my own reality show, please? I wonder if my husband is up for dispersing the sex-tape we made in 2001? Shouldn’t I have this all fucking figured out by now?
Maybe I’ll just pimp myself out into the universe.
Job that gets me out of the house 3x a week, but only when I wanna go and will not include Rainy, Snowy, or nice Sunny days. Or, what the hell, Fridays either.
Must pay at least $17.00/hr.
Boss and co-workers must leave me alone unless they want to bitch/laugh-at boss or co-workers.
Anyone who brings up Real Housewives of Anyplace gets a smack in the ear.
Work should be easy, but not so mind-numbing retarded that I start having sexual fantasies while working on Excel sheets.
Mid day happy hour is mandatory.
Facebook is encouraged.
And people wearing too much perfume/cologne will be shot from a cannon during the first 20 minutes of the day (which begins at 10.)
Oh, and office must supply Day Care. That’s really important.
So, if you or anyone you know can hook me up with something like that, please message me back, asap. Now I just need to sit back and wait for the job offers to come rolling in.
Life. Is. Solved. Be-otch!