Humor · sex · Uncategorized

Not Katy Perry

During a ‘deep’ conversation with friends this weekend, I discovered that I am not the type of girl who will kiss another girl. Turns out, these friends already assumed this, but for some reason it never occured to me. I have good reasons though, and I’m not ashamed!

1) I’m not a lesbian, and I don’t find other women sexually attractive. Oh sure I find them beautiful; everything from the tad bit jealous (“isn’t Anne Hathaway so lovely.”) to the out right jealous (“GAWD why can’t I look like Emma Stone!”) to the bitchy envy we all sometimes have (“Fuck you Angelina Jolie and your beautiful fucking family and you’re hot as hell husband! I hope you have horrible cramps you…you…fucking…celebrity!”). So yeah, jealousy, envy, and some type of sick love/hate feelings for other women, but no sexual lust at all. I’m totally straight.

Like that’s ever stopped any other drunk straight girl!

Which brings me to the number two reason I won’t be sucking face with any lucky ladies.  The only reason straight chics make-out with other chics is to impress a man or a crowd of men. Luckily, I don’t feel the need to impress any men as I am happily married of 5…no 6 years! Being married is a great cop-out, isn’t it? But, the thing is,  I don’t show up to clubs half naked. ..actually, I don’t show up to clubs at all. But IF I DID, I’d be dressed more like the Church Lady than like Rhianna. I don’t abandon my inhibitions and dance like a sex goddess. I dance like…Elaine from Seinfeld! I don’t look sexy when I’m hot and sweaty. I look like a long haired Richard Simmons after a volatile work-out of oldies music and high kicks. So I certainly wouldn’t be the sexy girl who makes out with her sexy best friend just to get the guys swooning. I’m the funny girl who doesn’t mind a poop joke every now and then. I might drink too much and start loving all over everyone once a year at my best-friends bday party, but it’s just hugs and high-fives. No tonguing of anyone except maybe my husband after we’re in the privacy of our own vehicle! And this is okay. Everyone is okay with this.

Then there’s the biggest reason of all, I guess. I wouldn’t fool around with another girl  if only because of the after-lesbian-kiss-conversation. Not the sobering convo one has with her best friend in the morning…if they even do. I have no idea if that’s a thing or not. But, what I’m talking about is the conversation between the guys. My friends, my husbands friends, my friends husbands and boyfriends who know me well enough to know I’m not that girl. I’m worried about THEIR conversation.  Usually when a guy has seen 2 girls making out he says to his buddy, “Dude, d’you hear Veronica and Stacy made-out?” to which is buddy replies, “Oh Dude. I wish I’d seen that! Was it hot?” And of course it was. It always is. And the friend gives details and adds a little white lie here or there to make it better than what it actually was. “and then they asked me to join in! It was awesome man!” and I’m sure there’s a knuckle bump in there and all that good stuff. In a mans eyes, I’m sure a tale of straight-girl-kisses is akin to stories from Homer; excitement, adventure, and 2 sets of boobies smashed together.

However, if the same dudes were talking and it was me Dude 1 saw making out with Stacy, it’d be a little different. “Dude, d’you hear Rachel made-out with Stacy?” “No way Dude. Rachel? Why? For like, a joke or something? She’s so funny.” See, no one is turned on in this scenario. My ego is a little bummed, but whats worse is now I’ll have the reputation as the girl who will do almost anything for a laugh. Suddenly it will be expected of me to be wacky and crazy at all social functions, performing like a dare devil monkey until one day I land a spot on Jackass. Which, actually, wouldn’t be TOO bad considering how much $$$ those guys make, but I’m sure the first female cast member is going to have to put up with things like getting punched in the boob with a puppy or wrestling an elephant in jello.  The elephant thing does sound pretty cool, but I still don’t wanna.

So that’s it. All I can really say is thank God my husband finds my un-sexiness so sexy! Stay tuned next week for my shocking realization that I’m not the type of girl to get a tattoo on my face.

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One thought on “Not Katy Perry

  1. LMAO. Yes, stay away from the chicks. I would assume they would ask if it was a stunt or something… Anyhow stay away because I think like a straight woman as well. They sure are hot and sexy sometimes, but I don’t want to kiss ’em. I want to gaze at them enviously, and drool over all the extras that they have and I don’t.

    I am happy I don’t need to impress anyone, though sometimes I guess it would be fun. NOT the kissing a girl thing. Cheers to 6 years of marriage- same here. I get confused about the 5-6 part. Was 6 yrs in June.

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