Humor · kids · Motherhood · SAHM

BABIES EAT POOP!

You read that title right. Babies EAT poop! And I do mean poop. This isn’t my cute little way of saying that the food we feed our children is manufactured chemically induced shit. I mean real brown squishy poop that comes from your ass.

Need and explanation? Alright…

A few weeks ago, I went to grab my 1-year-old from her crib and found her covered head to toe in poop. Her own poop, thank goodness, but poop nonetheless.  The smell of the room, my GAWD! was so very very vile that even my bottle of Febreeze shook its nozzle like, “WTF!” The crib itself was caked in brown/greenish butt fudge on the slats, the bedding, the mattress, her coveted blankey, even the attached bed-time music box was smeared with it! But the baby! Dear Lord, the baby! Her arms, legs, belly, face, hair all painted with poop! It compacted inside her fingernails and belly button, and dangled from her ear lobes! And as I stood there, gagging and covering my face and trying unsuccessfully to come up with a game plan so I wouldn’t get crap on me, she takes one filthy little hand full of diaper gravy and puts it in her mouth.

I haven’t kissed her since. You’d think I’d learned my lesson after writing THIS blog…but no.  I’m writing about the same thing…different shit.

It took some time, but I did get the mess cleaned up and sanitized.  And other than a few nightmares I had, the whole ordeal was washed away.

Until it happened again.

And again.

Now, I know babies aren’t…like…smart. Not that they’re not smart just, you know, not geniuses or anything. But I would think after eating shit…maybe not the first time, but definitely after the second time, I would get it. Ya know?

You’re a baby. Sitting in bed. You poop. Curiosity gets to ya and you dig in your diaper. “Hey is this chocolate?” Munch, munch, munch. “HOLY HELL THAT WAS NOT CHOCOLATE! WHAT THE…” So you try getting it off your fingers by rubbing it on anything and everything. Fine. I get that.

But then a few days later, you try the poop again? And then a few days after that you do the same damn thing? It’s not fucking chocolate, baby! Don’t eat your poop! Just don’t!

I don’t know if she just doesn’t have taste buds or what because the child enjoys other nasty treats besides poop. Dog Food. Chalk. deodorant (though if I’m honest, I also enjoyed the taste of deodorant at one time). Paper. Shoelaces.  I swear, as I was writing this, I had to stop to remove a crayon from her mouth.  Erasers. Money. My husbands sweaty socks. She can’t get enough of that shit!

And actually, you know now that I think of it, I KNOW there’s nothing wrong with her taste buds because whenever anyone tries to give her water to drink, she takes one sip and screams, “NO WA WA!”

So I did what any worried mother does and Googled it. Turns out, lots of babies eat weird things. Ants, tampons, the rubber buttons off the remote control, lotion, play dough (but who hasn’t tried that?). One mom found her toddler eating the remains of a dead mouse. Thank my lucky stars my kid ain’t as bad as that little freak darling!

I’m chalking it all up to a phase. One day she’ll realize poop isn’t all that great and broccoli isn’t all that bad.  At least that’s what I’m hoping for. In the meantime, I’m duct taping that fucking diaper to her ass at nap time!

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21 thoughts on “BABIES EAT POOP!

  1. Oh Rachel! As I read this I have visions of Olivia (our second) constantly ripping her diaper off! It was extra special when we had to use a knife and paper towel to dig crap out of cracks of various toys that she had covered. No kidding-I think we went through a case of duct tape by the time she was potty-trained. Kind of odd when you have to ask where the duct tape is as part of a diaper-changing routine. Make sure you take pictures…we laugh til we cry every time we see those pics 🙂

  2. Well I know that when dogs eat their own poop it’s because they are having appendicitis and there is an enzyme in their poop that they are lacking, which is why they are eating it. I don’t think the baby is having appendicitis though, you know because of the whole lots of pain, running a fever thing that usually occures. So if you ever notice Cody eating his own poo you know why!

    OK but back to baby. That is gross. I think I would have puked. I have no tips and advice either, well other than you’ll have some nice stories to tell little punk ass kids that come knocking on your door when she’s a teenager/! “Yeah she use to eat her own poop when she was little.. now don’t stay out late and remember no kissing” You’ll never have to worry about teen pregnancy EVER!

  3. This is freakin hysterical! Why!?! Because I’ve been there! Well, Aubree didn’t eat her poop, but she sure thought it was a new toy! Reading your story takes me right back to where I was that nice warm day. She was suppose to be napping and I let her upstairs for a good hour talking when I figured I should go check on her. Round the doorway and what do I find–poop & pee EVERYWHERE!!! I gagged and said a few choice words to myself. A bath for Aubree and then the entire mattress went outside to be hosed down! I’m guessing I will never forget that day for as long as I live. My hope is that Makenzie doesn’t do the same thing! And I very much agree with duct taping the diaper!!! lol

    Thanks for the trip down memory lane! Great stuff!! And you’re guaranteed to laugh when you hear someone else tell the same story! it’s just not funny when it happens to you!

  4. Can’t say I’ve ever had the joy of experiencing a poo-encrusted child as you have described, but it did remind me of being pissed on at a range of about five feet by my infant son. I mean, holy crap… how can human males that small pee over a school bus? Actually this is pure jealousy speaking…

    1. I say don’t let your kid show you up! Get out there and practice. Start small with children riding by on their bicycles. Move on to your neibors cars and then your neighbors trucks. Eventually you’ll get to buses and in no time at all, semi trucks! I have faith in you my friend!

  5. Holy crap that is gross. I am not sure what I would do. I think I would call in a cleaning lady and stay far far away. Maybe she is missing some sort of vitamin or mineral… You know when you are pregnant and the doctors warn you that if you are looking at cement and glue or something weird and you are drooling, it can mean you are missing something.

    That was funny and gross all at the same time. Your pictures are insanely awesome. I need to get myself some of those. I don’t have a scanner…

    1. Hi Ashley! No my baby didn’t get sick…surprisingly! Are you having a similar situation? If so, and yours is sick, I’d definitely take her/him to the doctor. Maybe he has some sound advice that doesn’t involve duct tape! lol! Good luck!

  6. I am going through this very same experience. This is my second child and my son never had this problem. But it seems that my daughter put EVERYTHING in her mouth. There have been plenty of times I have changed her and found pennies, nickles, dimes even a quarter in her diaper. That right there puts a whole new meaning on making change for your ass! lol. But last night as I was walking down the hallway I smelled this horrific smell. First thought that came to mind was “Oh god she has pooped!” Never in my wildest dream did I think I would find her standing in the middle of her bedroom looking like Al Bundy from married with children, digging for diaper gravey while watching rugrats on TV. I screamed. tripped over the gate and as i go to grab for her I realize OMG ITS ALL OVER HER!!!!! I FLIPPED!!! I just couldnt believe that she would do something like that. So I cleaned her up. busted her tail. told her no nasty ewwww ewww and went about our night. Well I get this phone call at work the next day that says she is doing it again. I did some research even went so far as to call a nurse with my insurance company to as questions. She stated that they can get sick. Parasites, tape worms, pin worms ect…. Im freaking out now. But she also mentioned a important thing. PICA! Its a malnutrition that your body is trying to tell you that you need. Some people need iron so they have a craving or taste for metal all the time. I DO. So maybe just maybe that may be the issue and if so then suppliments will do the trick but if not then I throw my hands in the air and head my ass to walmart for a case of duct tape. I will be sure to keep you posted on the outcome.

  7. Its happened to me a few times, I have all but given up until she is potty trained. “Fine, you want a poo snack, have at it”. She once tried dog poo too but spit it out…thank god. She only seems to like her own brand so far.

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