You read that title right. Babies EAT poop! And I do mean poop. This isn’t my cute little way of saying that the food we feed our children is manufactured chemically induced shit. I mean real brown squishy poop that comes from your ass.
Need and explanation? Alright…
A few weeks ago, I went to grab my 1-year-old from her crib and found her covered head to toe in poop. Her own poop, thank goodness, but poop nonetheless. The smell of the room, my GAWD! was so very very vile that even my bottle of Febreeze shook its nozzle like, “WTF!” The crib itself was caked in brown/greenish butt fudge on the slats, the bedding, the mattress, her coveted blankey, even the attached bed-time music box was smeared with it! But the baby! Dear Lord, the baby! Her arms, legs, belly, face, hair all painted with poop! It compacted inside her fingernails and belly button, and dangled from her ear lobes! And as I stood there, gagging and covering my face and trying unsuccessfully to come up with a game plan so I wouldn’t get crap on me, she takes one filthy little hand full of diaper gravy and puts it in her mouth.
I haven’t kissed her since. You’d think I’d learned my lesson after writing THIS blog…but no. I’m writing about the same thing…different shit.
It took some time, but I did get the mess cleaned up and sanitized. And other than a few nightmares I had, the whole ordeal was washed away.
Until it happened again.
Now, I know babies aren’t…like…smart. Not that they’re not smart just, you know, not geniuses or anything. But I would think after eating shit…maybe not the first time, but definitely after the second time, I would get it. Ya know?
You’re a baby. Sitting in bed. You poop. Curiosity gets to ya and you dig in your diaper. “Hey is this chocolate?” Munch, munch, munch. “HOLY HELL THAT WAS NOT CHOCOLATE! WHAT THE…” So you try getting it off your fingers by rubbing it on anything and everything. Fine. I get that.
But then a few days later, you try the poop again? And then a few days after that you do the same damn thing? It’s not fucking chocolate, baby! Don’t eat your poop! Just don’t!
I don’t know if she just doesn’t have taste buds or what because the child enjoys other nasty treats besides poop. Dog Food. Chalk. deodorant (though if I’m honest, I also enjoyed the taste of deodorant at one time). Paper. Shoelaces. I swear, as I was writing this, I had to stop to remove a crayon from her mouth. Erasers. Money. My husbands sweaty socks. She can’t get enough of that shit!
And actually, you know now that I think of it, I KNOW there’s nothing wrong with her taste buds because whenever anyone tries to give her water to drink, she takes one sip and screams, “NO WA WA!”
So I did what any worried mother does and Googled it. Turns out, lots of babies eat weird things. Ants, tampons, the rubber buttons off the remote control, lotion, play dough (but who hasn’t tried that?). One mom found her toddler eating the remains of a dead mouse. Thank my lucky stars my kid ain’t as bad as that little
I’m chalking it all up to a phase. One day she’ll realize poop isn’t all that great and broccoli isn’t all that bad. At least that’s what I’m hoping for. In the meantime, I’m duct taping that fucking diaper to her ass at nap time!