Humor · kids

Neighborhood Watch

I love my neighbor. She’s good for a laugh, keeps her kids and yard under control, and let’s me know what’s going on on the street. One day, I received a text from her…

Neighbor: There’s some kids playing on your big rock.

Me: Kids? Okay.

Neighbor: Teenagers. They were playing on mine, but I made them get off. So now they’re on yours. Just thought you’d want to know.

I glanced out the window and sure enough there was 2 boys and a girl leaning on the big rock in the corner of my yard.  I know this bothers a lot of people, but I don’t really mind.  I’m sure I leaned on lots of neighbor’s rocks when I was a teenager. Hell, I remember actually sitting in one of my neighbor’s yards for hours just because he had the most comfortable grass.  It actually felt like a blanket! If it ever bothered him, he never said, and so we (the neighborhood kids) would just sit in his yard and talk about how stupid our parents were till the sun went down.

A couple of minutes later I received another text from my neighbor.

Neighbor: Gross! Now 2 of them are making out on your rock while the other one just watches.

She didn’t say which two were making out so I glanced out the window again.  Yep, there they were. Sucking face while leaning on my rock. I felt a little sorry for the friend. He looked annoyed and pathetic as he watched the two love birds smooch.  He’d look away…dribble his basketball a few times…then stare into the back of his friend’s head. I’m guessing his buddy said, “Let’s get together and play ball. Oh by the way, my girlfriend is coming.”  Once faced with the freedom of being alone (sorta) with his girlfriend, buddy couldn’t resist the power to mack.   This was pretty gross to witness, but once again, I remembered being young and in love and having no place to swap spit with my bf.  Once out of the unrelenting eye of my parents, we’d fool around just about anywhere. And it was hot!

Me: Yuck. Can her parents sue me if she gets pregnant on my rock? 🙂

Rather than sit and watch the unattractive teenagers frenching (remember calling it that?), I jumped up and started doing the adult version of foreplay…laundry. Chicka Chicka bow wow!   My phone vibrated again.

Neighbor: EW! She is popping his zits!

Me: OMG! R U Serious???

Neighbor: YES! LOOK!

This time I ran to the window, not hiding the fact that I was spying on them. The boy was sitting on my rock and the girlfriend was squeezing his face.  It was definitely zit-popping action.  Her fingers went from one side of his face to the next. Squeeze, pop. Squeeze, pop. I think I saw some puss smack her in the chin, but she didn’t stop. Squeeze, pop.

Sitting and smooching on my rock was one thing, but THIS was just disgusting! Who does that? Do kids these days (did I really just say that?) have no sense of hygiene whatsoever!?!?  I went out front and yelled, “Hey! Could you NOT do that on my rock, please? Or, you know,  in public…EVER again…for the rest of your lives…please?”

The look on their acne covered faces was of sudden awareness and embarrassment. “Oh yeah…we’re outside…and we’re not the only two people on the planet.” They didn’t say anything, but sulked off. I had to give my neighbor some love.

Me: Took care of that. Thanks for letting me know!

Neighbor: No problem. By the way, just thought you should know, there’s a homeless man taking a dump on the other side of your yard.

Me: Again? Damn!


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