Humor

McZombie

It happened just as soon as my head hit the pillow. I closed my eyes, and there appeared a Big Mac.  I haven’t had a Big Mac in ages! Slowly, it began to rotate…on a glistening white plate…in heaven. There were actual clouds floating all around.  And the Big Mac got bigger and bigger in my head. Like I was hitting the ‘zoom’ button or something. And the closer it got…to the sesame seed bun and the special sauce and the little flap of melted cheese…the more I knew I needed one.

But I couldn’t just go get one, could I? It’s 11 o’clock at night! I’m in bed. In my jammies. My make-up has been washed off and the back of my hair is already knotting from laying on the pillow. I couldn’t just go get one! And do what with it, exactly? I can’t bring it in the house. If I succeeded in not waking anyone, I’d still have to face the music in the morning when my husband sees the empty box trying to hide in the trash can.  Eat it in my car, maybe? God, that sounds SO pathetic. Like I’m embarrassed by the Big Mac. I’m not embarrassed by a sandwich.

Or am I? Maybe a tiny bit.

But,  shouldn’t THIS be the time to get a Big Mac? When you want one so damn bad you can hardly think of anything else? Isn’t this the time when you know you’ll cherish that Big Mac and not just  stuff it in your face? You will adore that Big Mac.  Make love to the Big Mac.  And the Big Mac will make love to you too.  And once you’ve had that delicious Big Mac sensation in your mouth, you can roll over and go to sleep and not have to talk about your feelings.

Okay so perhaps that visual won’t work for everyone, but it’s all I could think about as I lied in bed. I tossed and turned and finally gave up. This needing could only be halted by one thing. Bad late night t.v. But what do you think they show on t.v. at midnight? Mother fucking Big Mac commercials!

So here I am. I’m typing this instead of grabbing my keys and stealing $3.00 from my husbands wallet like a crack whore.  I am strong and I will resist the urge to get that wonderful two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun. I will not do it. I will not!

Oh I’m so fucking doing it. Damn you will power. Damn you!

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7 thoughts on “McZombie

  1. I hate getting cravings! I hate Big Macs, I hate taxes, I hate stairs, I hate small albino ants that have red eyes and tiny eye lashes, k.

    Sorry to hear you had an upset tummy afterwards.. I bet you hate upset tummys.

  2. Rachel you never cease to amaze me with your dreams, thoughts and imagination. You’re always good for a chuckle… You really SHOULD write a book!

  3. Lol. I am proud of you that you went out and bought it. I hate dreaming about things and wondering what it would have been like if I would have succumbed to my desires. This kind of longing was harmless… Well, other than a stomach ache- but hopefully it felt good while you ate it. So worth it.

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