I LOVE reading the ‘Search Engine Terms’ page on WordPress. These are the words people use in search engines (like Google) to find my WordPress blog. Some are pretty normal. Like John Cusack, Katy Perry, Dora the Explorer. But MOST of them really make you think What the Hell is wrong with people!?!?
What kind of person is Googling “I fart in my boyfriends mouth” and HOW the hell did they get to MY blog via these terms??? Or “Drawing of a penis fitting into a vagina.” I am about 90% sure I’ve never drawn this…on the computer. “Crayon drawing of a penis”…well I don’t normally use crayon so they’re definitely disappointed when they get here! Just today, the searches were “Best Muffin Mix”, “Let Me Watch Porn”, and “Gary the Snail’s Butt”. What a fantastic assortment of people I have visiting my blog! It’s great to know those looking for the “Best Muffin Mix” and those who are looking for “My Parents Sex Tape” are cyber-mingling on my Whims.
“Mean Poop” is my all time favorite though! Only because of the scene I have set in my head. This very old, very large, very hairy man has a mug of strong hot coffee in his hand as he sits down at his computer. The chair creaks when he sits and his computer hums loudly. But not as loud as his own breathing. In the quiet cabin he calls home his breathing is the soundtrack, though he does not notice it. He still has dial-up. The crackling, the fax machine ringing, even the “You Got Mail”, but he doesn’t have any today. Which greatly annoys him because he was expecting a sexy little email from the 21-year-old ‘friend’ he just made in a chat room. He’s an angry bastard, and I imagine he mumbles aloud in a low gruff voice, “I want to see some really hateful shit.” He Googles it, and the Google sensors just lose their minds!
“Hateful shit!? Hateful shit!? We can’t have that on our clean website. Let’s change it to mean poop. Mean Poop sounds nicer and less offensive.”
Less offensive to who, I’m not sure. Not to me. I would have been a lot happier seeing someone found my blog while searching “hateful shit” than “mean poop”! Mean poop kinda hurts my feelings. Makes me think that’s what people do after reading my blog. Or wanna do ON my blog. Anyways, the scene ends when the old man gets to my blog and gets a good warm and gooey feeling inside while reading it. He calls up his first love, a woman he hurt many years ago, and asks her dinner. They eventually fall in love and live happily ever after. Or, he gets to my blog, reads 3 sentences and clicks back to lesbian porn. It changes depending on my mood.
Why is there never a search for “Funny stories about motherhood”? Or “Tales that will make me smile.” I’d even take “Anecdotes from a pissy woman”! But no! I get, “Jello Wrestling Mother and Daughters” or “Katy Perry Eating Poop”. I should just change my blog name to The Aristocrats!
Or I should just accept that these are my people. Disgusting, angry, poop obsessed, incest loving sex addicts who enjoy reading the real life stories of my family. Lord, that’s so very very wrong, but, what are ya going to do, eh?
Thanks for reading, freaks. 😉