Humor · Motherhood · parenting

Bad month, bad month, what ‘cha gonna do?

I’m giving September a theme. COPS. Go ahead and sing the bad boys song. I am!

My son started Kindergarten this month! Yes, him starting kindergarten ties in to the theme of COPS! And no, not for good reasons! Every morning since the first, when I drop him off at school, the teacher asks him, “How are you today?” and every single morning since the first he’s replied, “Not good.” Needless to say, he’s not a huge fan of school. I’ve tried everything in the world to get him to get excited about it, but it’s just not happening. I hate sending him to school so miserable, and was considering homeschooling for a year or 12.  But then one fine day I dropped him off and when his teacher asked, “How are you today?” He answered, “AWESOME! TODAY IS THE BEST DAY EVER! MY MOM WAS SPEEDING AND A COP PULLED HER OVER AND SHE GOT A TICKET AND EVERYTHING! WOOO HOOO!”  Since that day, he has actually been excited to go to school. So it was almost worth that $109 ticket!

Then, last week, my car got broken in to…by a gang…of…really big, scary men…at night.

Okay that’s a lie. But that’s what it felt like.

Actually what happened is about 5:30 a.m., my neighbor called to tell me someone had tried to break in to their car. Her husband had gotten up from work and saw a woman walking towards his car. He yelled at her when she started messing with the door handles, but she didn’t react like you’d think she should. Ya know, RUN! She just kept on trying to get in. He grabbed the phone and called the police, and finally she drove away in a black car. While he stood in his yard, still on the phone, he looks over and there’s a man trying to get into my SUV. Then, the woman in the black car drove around the block and picked up the man and off they went…maybe to their day jobs? I don’t know.  After the police left, my neighbor called me and told me all about it. I was pretty freaked out. That probably sounds stupid, but we don’t see too much crime ’round these parts and the idea of someone just helping themselves to my car was pretty unnerving. Since then, I’ve suddenly woken in the middle of the night a couple of times and can’t help but get out of bed and check outside. So far, so good. But I wish my husband would load up his paintball gun before bed each night just in case.

And finally, a few weeks back I had to take my little girl to the emergency room. Don’t worry. It was nothing serious. She just felt like making me look like a jackass in front of a professional and intelligent man. The bruise I got from that was not nearly as uncomfortable as the one I got from my son while we were in the waiting room. Half-dead, half-disgusting, bleeding, puking, moaning people were slumped all over the sad gray chairs. I was just happy we found a spot in front of the t.v.  The news was on! The Real news too, not fake cartoon news about Judy spilling her juice or Bobby hitting a home run. It was real people killing each other news! Yay! That is until my son, the sweet angel, cried, “LOOK MOM! LOOK AT THOSE HANDCUFFS! THOSE ARE JUST LIKE THE ONES YOU HAVE, HUH? THE ONES YOU KEEP UNDER YOUR BED? DON’T THEY LOOK LIKE YOUR HANDCUFFS MOM?”  Suddenly those half-zombie-fied sickos weren’t looking so ill anymore. I was about to tell the room I was a cop, but didn’t want to get busted for impersonating an officer, so instead I just let them believe I’m an S & M mistress.  Just call me Mistress Mommy. On second thought, DON’T!

So that was September all wrapped up in…handcuffs. Thank God I only have 5 more days left of this month. Hope October’s theme isn’t something worse like…lice…or diarrhea!

Thanks for reading! 🙂

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5 thoughts on “Bad month, bad month, what ‘cha gonna do?

  1. LOL. Handcuffs. Girl, you shoulda said you were a cop. Sorry bout the crime by you, I hope it stops. Put some slime under your door handles at night.

    You also have plans with a paintball gun???? I told my husband it is about time we got one. I don’t wanna kill anyone but if I need protection at least let me bruise someone up.

  2. I bet the man and woman breaking into peoples cars in Piqua are the same man and woman who panhandles in Piqua! Low life scum buckets. Your neighbor should have tackled her! Then called you for your handcuffs and handcuffed her around a tree until the police got there!

    I have say though I do find the ER visit really funny and I did chuckle a little..

  3. That Tommy is too damn funny! He should take his act on the road! There’s nothing like being embarrassed by your child in public! Luckily (for Aubree), she hasn’t done that to me–yet!

    I was also victim to the jerks breaking into people’s cars. The awful part, they are only stealing the change. If they took that same energy and put it into looking for a JOB, they wouldn’t have to bother with robbing hardworking people. Then again, maybe they’re night people! But they do have 3rd shift for those folks!

    Keep the stories coming! I love all of them!

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