Humor · Motherhood · SAHM

More of Me to Love

It’s been quite a while since my last post. At least 21 weeks, I think. To my loyal reader (‘s…is there more than one of you?) I want to apologize and say I hope I didn’t worry anyone. I didn’t give up on the blog, I didn’t die, and I didn’t join a cult where internet use is forbidden. Who would even want to join that cult?! Paranoid nomads maybe. The type that fear the government and live off of Twinkies and diet Coke. Well I hate diet Coke so no thank you! So what have I been up to you may be asking? Well here’s the last post I wrote and didn’t publish. It should help explain things,  I think.

October

The other morning I woke up and knew I was pregnant. I just KNEW. I’d had unbelievable heartburn the last few days and my nipples were so sensitive that when I put on a bra, it felt like I was getting the titty twister from hell! As soon as I woke this particular morning, I was nauseous and successfully dry heaved into the trash can. Pregnancy is so fucking beautiful. Though I normally can’t even see straight until I get my coffee, there was NO WAY I was going to enjoy that little treat this morning. The idea of putting anything in to my body resulted in another round of dry heaving.  I spent the better part of the day in my yoga pants and giant sweatshirt.  The next day I took the test.  “I knew it!” I whispered to the two pink lines.  I would think a normal woman would get excited to tell all her friends and family. I got excited thinking, ‘I can announce it in a Christmas card!’ 

Despite the nausea and heart burn and constant perky nipples, the next 8 or 9 months is going to be awesome. Any time I might need or want something all I have to do is point to my stomach and say to my loving and naive husband, “Your baby didn’t feel like grocery shopping today.” or “Your baby hates the smell of fragrance-free Tide. Can you do the laundry?” or “I know it’s midnight, but your baby wants pumpkin pie. Kroger’s probably has some. ” Oh yeah!

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I lied! I lied! The next 8 or 9 months is NOT going to be awesome. It’s horrible! So horrible! This morning I woke up to the sound of my dog vomiting all over the floor. I jumped up, forgetting that I, too, have morning sickness, and began cleaning up the carpet. But about 2 seconds into wiping up the slick, sticky, yellow goop that smelled like rotten chinese food, my stomach turned and I ran to the bathroom just in time to upchuck. Actual upchuck this time. No more dry heaving for me. I miss dry heaving.  A couple of hours later, right as I dropped my son off at Kindergarten, the morning sickness took over me again. I drove the 10 minute drive home with the windows down and holding my breath. “Not in the new van. Not in the new van.” I kept repeating in my head. I squealed my tires into the driveway and cursed the car seat and all its locks and switches and buttons when I tried to take out my little girl. Once inside I pushed her into a chair and knocked the dog outta my way and made it to the bathroom just in time. Sweet release! Sweet burning acidy gagging sour release.

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Am I creating a human life or am I dying????  Because  I feel like I’m fucking dying! I’m still nauseous and puking every 2 hours. I feel like I have the flu. And I don’t know how, but I am both constipated and have diarrhea.  I’m belching and farting and there’s another weird sound coming from my stomach every time I eat. I’m so tired I actually fell asleep while having a conversation w/ my 5-year-old yesterday. And I’m weak.  I’m going to need one of those special seats put in my shower.  The shower! I can’t even bend over to shave my legs cause that position makes me ill. I have no idea how far along I am because I don’t have my first doctor appointment for another 2 weeks, but I just read that morning sickness (‘morning’ my ass!) begins at about 5 weeks, gets worse weeks 6-10, and is usually over between week 16-20. WEEK 16-20!!! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!!!! Oh fuck you, you bitches who don’t get morning sickness.  I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I don’t really hate you, but I hate you! Excuse me, I have to go barf now.

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Shortly after that was written the morning sickness got a lot worse. It got to the point where I couldn’t keep anything down. Everything made me sick. Reading, writing, looking at the computer and t.v., walking, breathing. I would lay in bed all day long unable to care for my family. I was even too sick for sarcasm!  I had my first emergency room visit before I ever got to see my obgyn. It was the first of many! Since I couldn’t keep anything down I kept getting dehydrated and had to keep going to the E.R. for fluids. And you wanna know who are some of the biggest a-holes in the world? E.R doctors. Oh I appreciated what they did to help, but the bed side manner sucked balls. One doctor would greet me every time he came in by shaking me like he was trying to get a linebacker pumped up for the big game. I tried to puke on him. During another visit the doctor said, “You’re only 6 weeks along. You’ve probably got another 10 weeks of this!”  Then he laughed. I wanted to stab him with my i.v. needle.

To make a miserable and long story short, they finally diagnosed me with Hyperemesis. The way it was described to me is when I got pregnant my hormones shot through the roof and my body went crazy. Though my doctor used big medical terms. I was put on a medicine pump and told to take it easy.  My medicine pump sucked balls, too. Besides it being this bulky ugly fanny pack I had to keep wrapped around my waist, I had to change the medicine every so many hours including in the middle of the night and super early morning. Oh, and I had to stab myself with a needle every other day. Sometimes in the stomach,but I preferred my thighs since they’re meatier. Yeah, I’ve never been so happy to have meaty thighs! I  still frequented the jon. And not just the jon. Any trash can or sink would do, too. I’m proud to say I never missed my mark! Eventually I got to the point where I could eat watermelon. Let me say about that, off-season watermelon sucks balls, too. And actually, the idea of eating it right now is making me a little nauseous! Other foods I never want to eat again…mashed potatoes, crackers, cantaloupe, and apple juice. What is it that I crave? TACOS!

Slowly but surely I recovered. After 17 weeks of not getting to eat hardly anything and losing 26 lbs,  on Christmas Eve I ate! I ate and ate and ate! It WAS a Christmas miracle!!! And I’ve continued to eat! It’s wonderful! It’s kinda all I think about right now.  As a matter of fact, I just finished a danish…a family size danish. Judge me if you want, but I’m creating a human being here! Can’t do that on bread and water! I’m at 21 weeks today and have gained back 10 lbs. and I couldn’t be happier. That’s right. I’m happy.

That basically brings us all up to speed. Now that I’m feeling better I’m hoping to blog a little bit more before the baby comes, and I disappear again. This time for closer to 6 months, I’m guessing.  Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go pee for the 17th time today.

Thanks for reading!!!

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4 thoughts on “More of Me to Love

  1. Welcome back!!! I’m glad to see that you didn’t puke all the creativity out of yourself. Stillll funny! I missed you and I’m glad you’re ok.

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