Normally, I’m not very emotional. Well…not sad emotions. I don’t do vulnerability very well. I’m not sure why and I should probably see a shrink about it, but who has time for that when I have a blog to write!? Anyways, that probably explains why February was such a mess. It came pouring out my eyeballs!
It began when my husband and I were going through baby clothes. Luckily, we kept all our sons clothes just in case we had another boy one day. I didn’t realize the attachments I had put on onesies and jumpers and teeny tiny little socks that just barely fit on my husband’s thumb. Certain outfits I’d picked up and hold across my humongous belly. “Remember when Tommy wore this?” or “We have that great picture of Tommy wearing this.” and of course, “Look how tiny! Is it possible Tommy was ever this small?” We oohed and aahed over everything, but I didn’t cry. Maybe I teared up a time or two, but I didn’t cry! I was okay when we separated them by age. I was fine when we washed them with the dye free\fragrance free detergent. And I was still doing good while putting them in their designated dresser drawer. But once they were all sweetly folded and put away, it hit me that next time I open the drawer it will be to dress my new little man. I floated my hand from one sleeper to the next… and wept.
Of course that’s when my husband comes in the room. He’s like a snake, he is. Slithered in quietly and stood behind me without a sound. Then, “What’s wrong?”
“Are you crying?”
“It’s okay if you’re crying.”
“I’m NOT crying.”
“You wanna talk about it?”
“You can talk to me.”
Then he hugged me. So I blew my nose in his shirt.
It’s not just MY baby stuff that’s bringing on the water works either. My best-friend, who was also pregnant, called to say she and her husband were running a little late for dinner because they had baby bump pictures taken. When I relayed the message to Steven, my lip quivered and I lost it on the word bump! Then, 2 Days later she had the baby (how’s that for good timing) and after we visited the little sweetie pie, I quietly cried all the way home.
And it’s not just babies that are doing it to me. My beagle tore his ACL and needed surgery.
My son told me I’m not his ‘mommy’ anymore, but his ‘mom’.
My little girl moved from her crib to a toddler bed.
I watched a rerun episode of Ross and Rachel breaking up.
Okay, well, I mostly just rolled my eyes that time, but still.
The worst of it came when we did the ‘nursery’. I put ‘nursery’ in quotations because it’s not really a nursery-nursery. The baby’s gonna have to share a room with my girl so only half the room is a ‘nursery’. It’s kind of a sore subject for me. I’ve never gotten to put together an actual nursery. Tommy came 2 months early. At that time we only had the crib put together and the room painted blue. Once he arrived, we spent all our time at the Children’s Hospital, and when we were at home we were sleeping. Then once he got home it was mad craziness, and we never had time to finish the room. I blinked my eyes and SNAP! He’s 4-years-old begging for Spongebob bedding.
Laurie came to us when she was 6 months old, and we weren’t sure how long we’d have her. At the time it seemed silly to spend a bunch of money making the blue room pink and frilly and princessy when it was likely she wasn’t gonna be here long anyways. Now that she actually lives with us, I regret not girl-ing up the place for her. Especially since she’s gonna have to share a room for the next couple years with the baby.
So with the 3rd kid, I decided I was gonna do the best I could. Like I mentioned, we have the dresser filled with clothes, so that’s done. The bassinet is still in the attic (at least for a few more weeks) and the changing table had to be moved out to the family room cause the ‘nursery’ is too small. The only actual nursery-nursery thing we’ve done is put up a cute grow-chart wall decal. It’s a tree with a couple cute monkeys and a colorful parrot and pretty butterflies and a handsome giraffe and I just love it!
When we put the decal up…or I should say, my husband put it up while I wrangled the other two kids out of his way…the room finally felt like a nice space for a newborn. I sat across from the wall on my girls toddler bed and suddenly felt all my nursery regret. My husband came back in the room to find my face buried in my hands. I looked up only to see his blurry outline.
“All this because of a sticker on the wall?” he asked, wrapping his arms around me.
“What is it?”
“Tell me. ”
I gave in. “This is my last baby and I’ve never put together a real nursery!”
“So it was the sticker.”
“Yeah.” I said and then I blew my nose on his shirt.
I know the closer I get to May 31st the more tears are gonna fall. And I hate it. I know it’s silly, but I hate it. And just as soon as the tears stop flowing, that’s when my breast are gonna start leaking. I have ‘baby’ not only protruding from my body, but dripping from it, too! Lord help me.
So if you hear any good jokes, send them my way. If I’m gonna be a cry-mommy I want it to be because I’m laughing so damn hard!
Thanks for Reading!!!