Humor · kids · Marriage · Motherhood · parenting · SAHM

The Sacrificial Scam

They say having children is a sacrifice. Once you become a parent, there are SO many things you have to let go of.  Like, sipping coffee on the patio first thing in the morning. Oh you could do this, but you’d much rather gather a few more minutes of sleep. Or you do do it and you’re so busy holding baby, feeding baby, wiping baby spit-up, trying not to spill coffee on baby, trying your damnedest  to not fall asleep with baby in one hand and coffee in the other that it’s really not worth the mg’s of caffeine.

You also say goodbye to Yoga  because the moment you begin, you fall asleep and downward dog becomes flat-nosed peacock. Or, the baby senses you are doing something for yourself and decides that simply can not happen.

You say goodbye to making love and hello to, “The baby’s asleep! Take your shorts off!  I don’t care if you haven’t shower! I haven’t brushed my teeth in 3 days! Come on! Let’s go!”

Goodbye to last-minute friendly get-togethers, eating dinner in a restaurant, or cooking a dinner that hasn’t come from a box or bag. And hello to, “Yes, we’re having frozen pizza again. You want Beef Wellington, make it your damn self!”

Goodbye to blogging because you can’t keep a thought straight or you can’t get your fingers to tyep it correctly.  (See!)

Goodbye to tiny moments of solitude. This is especially true if you have more than one child. I have 3.  I have put the baby down for a nap (hahahahahaha!) and pushed the other two in front of the t.v. (Don’t judge.)  But, even as I’m typing this, my son has interrupted me twice. Once to request that we never eat anywhere where we have to keep our pinky fingers raised while drinking. The other to tell me who all he wants to invite to his birthday party…in January.

Goodbye to reading, watching t.v. that is not animated, and getting a tiny bit drunk on the weekends.

Goodbye showers and shaving and make-up. Goodbye feeling sexy. Goodbye pregnancy glow. Hello crazy cat-lady hair, stubbly legs, and dark circles around your eyes. Hello not really caring what you look like cause it really doesn’t matter when you smell like baby spit-up and have dried Similac crusties on your neck!

Oh, but the BIG one, the BIG sacrifice, as we all know, is sleep! Goodbye sleep! Amazing how something that you used to just do has now become the one thing you crave. Goodbye to that comforting hug of the mattress under your aching back. Goodbye cool puffy pillow smooshed against your cheek. Goodbye hiding under the billowing cloud of comforter and playing footsie with your husband.

Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye!

I don’t think any of that is the real sacrifice they are talking about, though. The real sacrifice is your heart. When you become a parent, you give up your heart to this slobbering, cranky, little mess of boogers!  All those other things don’t seem nearly as important as the smell of his hair after a bath or the silly smile he gives that’s probably gas, or the meaning behind the new texture of his poop! You suddenly don’t care about the Real Housewives of Crazy Town or harvesting whatever on Farm-county, but you do care a great deal about getting the baby into all those new onesies before he grows out of them (which mine has, sadly) and making sure his tiny little nails are trimmed so he doesn’t end up with another scratch on his perfect pink cheek.  You don’t mind giving up so many things because this itty bitty baby fills you up with so much good, there’s no real sacrifice at all. So they can shove it up their nose!

But, it would be nice to get a couple more hours of sleep.

Thanks for reading!


8 thoughts on “The Sacrificial Scam

  1. Oh great! I was reading the first part of your blog thinking “haha I don’t have to worry about any of that” I was boosting..then you get into all the sappy, loving crap and my balloon deflated slowly and I thought.. awww I want that..thanks! lol..

    1. Happy to have ruined your day! Though, if it helps, this love crap only lasts until they’re two and potty training…then, eh, not so much. Until they’re about 4 and potty-trained and then you like them again. I think its on and off like that forever. Probably why They call it a roller coaster. 🙂

  2. It’s like you’re in my life, word for word. I gave up on coffee, I wasn’t allowed to drink it in peace ever since (although I feel like I badly need it now). As for blogging…I’m lucky if I can reply to something right after I read it. I only got one so far.

    But you are right, you do sacrifice your heart to the little ones, and you don’t mind the sacrifices (on most days) because they are totally worth it. I just won’t talk about the other days 🙂

    1. ha! Yeah, I think that’s probably what some of my friends are thinking when they read this. “Uh, Rachel, I wasn’t feeling all the love when you called them little bastards last week.” That’s a joke! I would never call my kids names to their faces. That’s mean. Now go get some coffee Kalley!

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