Humor · Marriage · parenting · SAHM · sex

Smut

**I know I’ve been MIA from the blogging world, but I promise to be back soon…eventually. 🙂 But I wanted to republish this for a friend who is going through a similar situation. I hope this helps, buddy.**

I popped on the computer and was taking my usual route; picture of the kids—–>Firefox/Google—->Facebook, when I was suddenly stopped short. My fingers were frozen, but my heart was beating faster than ever. The words in the Google search bar were…well…to be quite honest…disgusting. And my heart broke when I realized it MUST have been my husband who was searching for these…things!

I didn’t want to continue on his path. I didn’t want to see what other perverse things he was looking at, but like most women in my predicament, I really couldn’t help myself. I did something I never thought I’d ever have to do. I searched the computer. What I found was repulsive. Page after page of the same sleazy collection. My mind was racing. Is he really into this stuff? Is this what he wants? Is this what he wants ME to want? I don’t think I can. I just…I can’t!

I was shocked and saddened, but those emotions diminished once my chase ended in a very dirty way. He had been searching on Craigslist.com. The pictures he’d brought up, the comments he’d made, the ads he had responded to! I was no longer sad. I was straight up pissed off!

I decided to print off everything I had found and confront him when he got home that night. I wanted to look into his lying eyes when he was faced with the truth!  My marriage was pretty damn wonderful up to that point. So as I sat in darkness, the papers clenched defiantly in my hands, I had so many questions. How long had this been going on? When did he find the time to actually get on the computer to look it up? Did he look at it in front of the children? His truck pulled up, and before I let my grief take over, I got good and mad again.

“Why are you in the dark?” He asked, putting down his lunch pail and jacket.

“I’m in the dark about a lot of things, apparently.”

He smiled, “What?”

I walked over, handed him the papers and said, “You should really learn to check and make sure the computer is off before you get up from it.”

His shoulders fell and he couldn’t look me in the eye when he confessed, “I wanted you to find it.”

I stepped back, more for fear that I would scratch his eyeballs out than anything else, and screamed, “You wanted me to find this? What the hell is wrong with you? Who are you?” All really rhetorical questions, but he tried to answer them just the same.

“Yeah. I knew you wouldn’t be interested. I mean, when I’ve mentioned this before, you just laughed. But I’m not joking anymore. I need this. We need this. Can’t you just…”

I cut him off. “Can’t I just what? Change who I am?” And then the tears burst from my eyes. I don’t know where they came from. I was even madder now that he’d made me cry.

“It’s not changing who you are, baby. It’s just trying…” Once again I didn’t let him finish. I ripped the papers from his hands and began reading them aloud. I wanted him to really hear the smut he was asking for.

“Dodge Grand Caravan. Honda Odyssey. Toyota Sienna. Is that what you want? You want me to be a Minivan Mama?”

He slowly nodded his head, “well…yeah. I think it will be good for us. They’re safe. Plenty of room for the kids. Decent gas mileage. I don’t think it will hurt to at least go take a look. I’m not going to force you into anything you don’t want. But, it’s time to buy a new vehicle. Lets just test drive one.”

I let him come forward and hold me in his arms. I wept against his chest. I loved him so damn much. I would do anything for him. And as he whispered in my ear, “It’s okay. You’re still cool. It’s O.K.”, I began to think, “Perhaps I can do this. Perhaps… I can.”

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5 thoughts on “Smut

  1. OK Rachel…I’ve spent the past 10 minutes reading your blogs. I’ve decided you are ATE up! LOL And you wonder where Tommy gets his imagination? Look no further than a mirror… YOU are the one responsible for his ways. Thanks for sharing these I’ll look forward to more, they made me laugh until I almost peed my pants!
    Thanks!

    PS Dont choke on nut skins or we’d have to write a song for that! hahaha

  2. You are offically grounded!! I was sitting here feeling angry, hurt, and heart broken all at once.. I love my brothers caravan..it has built in GPS and MP3, a tv with dvd and video game hook up.. with headphones.. I can’t believe you would be like that.

    1. Katie, I’m sorry you were offended. I was in a dark place when I wrote that, but now have seen the light. I’ve driven a few since then, and they’re really not that bad. I’m keeping an open mind…or at least trying to. 🙂

      1. Yep. a dodge grand caravan with dvd players for the kids and a kick ass radio for mama. I love it. I love it so much I’m buying it a christmas present…armorall. 🙂

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