Humor · kids · Marriage · Motherhood · parenting · SAHM

This is Your Brain on Psychotic. Any Questions?


My brain. She’s a sensible, pants-suit wearing kind of lady. She likes to think things through. Tackle all the obstacles. She’s all business, direct, and realistic. Oh sure, after hours if you take her to the bar, she might just rip her top off and cuss out her boss, but any other normal day she’s cool and classy and articulate.

Unless of course, on that normal day she gets into a little tiff with her husband’s brain. Then suddenly she’s foaming at the mouth and wielding a long-handled machete through the wild jungles of Your-an-ass-dom.

Please tell me my brain is not alone on this, ladies.

Sometime last week  Steven and I got into a little disagreement about adding a pantry to our kitchen.  I mentioned it…

He gave his opinion…

I disagreed and gave my opinion…

He calmly told me I had no idea what I was talking about…

I calmly told him I’m not an idiot and I  know what I want…

He told me it would look stupid…

I told him he looks stupid…

He apologized and asked me to describe what it was I really wanted…

I told him he’s a motherf—-!

Okay that’s not completely how it went, as I promised I would never give the intimate personal details of our wrestling matches, but you get the idea. The problem I faced is that it didn’t end there. My annoyance and aggravation just continued to race. It was like I was driving a million miles a minute through Bonkers Valley getting crazier and more deranged by the minute! I started to become another person! It was like I was my mmmmm….moooo…mmmuuuuu….mother! (God that hurt!) Not my mother now. My mother when I was a smart-mouthed teenager, if that helps clarify. And the funny thing is what kept me so upset was not what he said or how he said it, but what he didn’t say and the conversation I was holding in my head of what he could have said. Before I knew it, it became  things he has  said in the past that I only seem to remember when I’m super-duper pissed off.

While my brain was telling me to release the hounds, my heart was fa-reaking out. “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!? WHAT ARE YOU DOING!? WHY DID YOU SAY THAT!? STOP IT, YOU EEEEEEEDIOT!” (Yeah, my heart sounds like Ren from Ren and Stimpy. I’m a complicated soul.)

By the end of the day, the anger had consumed every part of my being that I could taste it in the dinner I made and see it in the deranged way I wrote out my grocery list and even felt it in the stiffness in my hands and the ache in my back! I had spent my entire day slamming doors and not speaking to my husband and barking orders at the kids. A whole day!  Over a pantry. A pantry that does not exist and should not even be spoken of until we do a million other things to the kitchen. A day wasted until I was just too tired and worn down to be angry another minute.

My brain put her sweat pants on and ate a pint of ice cream.

After that, everything slowly went back to happy and sparkly. I started talking again and then eventually apologized. We watched a romantic comedy, laughed, and totally made-out on the sofa…in front of the children! Oh yeah, we’re hard-core. I tell ya, though,  I’m thankful crazy doesn’t happen often. I couldn’t imagine holding on to that kind of anger on a daily basis. And I’m thankful to be in a pretty great marriage where we can disagree and I can throw a fit like a baby and he can forgive me and even apologize first.

I’m also thankful the word pantry hasn’t been uttered in this house for 7 days.

Thanks for reading!


4 thoughts on “This is Your Brain on Psychotic. Any Questions?

  1. Dammit, rachel, this is the last time I’m going to beg you to send your stuff into a publisher…I’m a liar. I’ll keep after you until you do it…:) I’m so easy. You have a God given talent. Make some money off of it. Then you can argue in a MANSION…:)

    1. Yay! I’m so happy to make your butt fall off! It’s always so great to hear something like that. Much better than when that woman told me she laughed her butt ON and then tried to sue me for not having fat-free jokes. I’m really not suppose to talk about it. We’re still in negotiations. 🙂 Thanks!!!

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