Humor · kids · Motherhood · parenting · SAHM

Dirty Mumbles…not like that, pervert!

Tomorrow, Steven will be wearing his nice suite. I will be wearing my wedding gown. Tommy will be wearing one of Steven’s old football jerseys. Laurie will wear one of my maternity shirts with a belt around it, and Jack will be clothed in an old towel…toga style. Because I just can not seem to get myself to do any laundry today. I just can’t do it. I go over there. I stand before the laundry all-powerful and She-rah and stuff and…that’s about it. I stand there. I walk away. I’ve done that about 40 times today. The first time I did it was at 6:34 this morning. And I did it again just before I got on here. I say to myself, “I should check Facebook before I get started.” You know that’s why I’m blogging today, right? I really had nothing to say, just putting off doing the laundry. I think if I ever win a b’zillion dollars I’m going to get lypo and hire someone to do my laundry. Not necessarily in that order, but those are 2 of my top 5. Lypo, laundry person, chef, weekend away with the hubs to some island I’ve never heard of because it only exists for b’zillionaires, and new towels because I hate mine. That’s not really my top five. I just made that up off the top of my head. I don’t think I really have a top five. But laundry person would definitely be on the list somewhere. Well, shit! If I’m a b’zillionaire I’ll just buy new clothes. And I’ll still shop at Kohl’s so people can’t say, “you’ve changed, man!” Though they’ll probably still say that after they ask for money and I’m all, “um…no.” Mo money mo problems, right. I mean, I’ll have 99 problems, but laundry won’t be one. Ha! But it is right now. I hate it. I hate you, laundry. Why does my family have to wear so many fucking clothes!?!? And I know there is shit in the pile that hasn’t been worn at all, CHILDREN. I remember when I had my apartment and it was just ME. I could wait like 4 months before having to do laundry. I had to take it to the laundry mat, which sucked, but still…that’s back when I could sit at the laundry mat and read a book or something. Now if I tried to read a book, Laurie would fall into someone elses laundry basket and get trapped forever and Tommy would start acting out the entire movie of Cars 2 using his opera voice. Jack would put something in his mouth like lint or detergent or a stranger’s shoe. They’d probably kick us out, and then I’d have to go to the less desirable laundry mat on the other side of town. You know the one. Buy a box of detergent, get a rape kit free. It doesn’t even have a sign on the building. We only assume it’s a laundry mat because sad sad people come in and out of it all day long carrying hampers. Even lice walk past like, “Oh hell no! That place is sketchy!” Well shit, this has only taken up about 12 minutes of time. Guess I should go get started. Gruh. Maybe I’ll have a snack first.

Happy Wednesday, y’all!


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