Humor · kids · Marriage · Motherhood · parenting · SAHM · Uncategorized

Chill the Fick Out, Mama!


I almost didn’t write this. I’ve already written one blog this year about being…a little…pissy. I thought if I wrote another, people might start getting the wrong idea about me. Or they’d expect a new monthly segment, “Pissy Whims”. Anyways, one blog about being pissed at your family is…acceptable. But TWO! Well, they just might take away my Mother of the Year mug. (I just realized I don’t have a Mother of the Year mug. Not even a World’s Best Mom mug. WTF! Where’s my frickin’ mug!?!? ahem…) But, this pissy whim comes with a life lesson so perhaps it will be okay.

Last week I was going through one of my scrapbooks when  I came across a picture that makes me laugh and cringe at the same time. It was taken about 2 years ago on the most perfect, perfect, perfect Autumn day. As soon as I opened the curtains to the front windows,  I grabbed my camera and scooted my perfect children out the door.

Did I say perfect children? Oh, ha-ha!

See,  the kids cared nothing about getting their picture taken. They just wanted to have fun. They didn’t want to sit sweetly on a rock and smile. They wanted to gather up all my perfectly placed leaves and throw’em in the air, throw’em at each other, jump into a pile and pretend to swim, and ride their bikes through a nice crunchy stack. They wanted to run in the sun and hang from tree limbs and just do what kids do.

I wanted them to be professional models.

I should have stopped when I realized what I was dealing with. They weren’t going to cooperate and I just knew I was gonna be annoyed.  I should have put the camera down, grabbed two handfuls of leaves and stuffed them down Tommy’s shirt, but I continued with my photo shoot. Maybe because it was the perfect Fall day. Maybe it was because everyone on Facebook seemed to already have perfect fall pictures of their kids. Or maybe it was because I just wanted an excuse to be outside in the fresh air and not inside up to my elbows in dishes! Whatever it was, it was all wrong.

I was trying to take as many pictures as possible, and I’m telling them, ‘look here’, ‘look at me’, ‘look up!’ I mean I must have told them 1000 times to look at the camera, and they just couldn’t pull it off. One was always looking away. They were laughing and being silly and picking on each other and just enjoying the day.  I was sick of repeating myself, and I was getting hot, and I just wanting one damn picture where they were both looking at the camera.

That’s when I lost it. I don’t remember what I yelled. Probably something with profanity. But I just lost it. I do remember saying, “FORGET IT!!” and yelling at my husband as I stomped past, “I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHY I BOTHER!”  I’m laughing at myself now cause I know I must have looked like a bratty 5-year-old at the time. But man, I still remember how flipping mad I was.

I went inside. I don’t remember what I did. I’m sure it involved hitting something or slamming something or kicking something, but eventually I settled down. Outside, my husband and the kids were back to playing and having fun, and I realized what an ass I was. I know I was just flustered and frustrated, but I did the ultimate mommy no-no and took it out on my family.  I made a mistake. But, hey, I’m mom-enough to admit it!

So,  I took a deep breath, went outside, and apologized.  Here I thought I traumatized the whole family and they acted like they had no idea what I was apologizing for! They made it very easy for me to join in on the fun, and I love them so much for that.

That night, before bed, I downloaded my pictures. They all turned out better than I expected once they were blown up on the screen. But when I got to this picture…oh I was so ashamed of myself.

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I don’t remember taking the photo, but I’m pretty sure I snapped it while  screaming at them. I wanted to crawl under the desk and make my new home among the cords and dust bunnies. Right then my husband came in and joked, “Hey, there’s one with them both looking at the camera!”  Ha! Well…that is what I was aiming for.

(Now it’s time for the Doogie Howser moment. I recommend listening to the theme song while you read this to get the full affect.) This picture shows me more than it shows them. Or at least a tiny part of me.  And I sure as heck didn’t like the image! I decided I would not be that mom. And luckily my kids give me PLENTY of practice in patience. Once I chilled the frick out, I caught a really great moment that I’ll treasure forever…

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So, my few words of wisdom for my other mom pals out there… We’re gonna lose our cool. We’re gonna be asses. We’re gonna make huge mistakes that one day our children will write about in a book  entitled How My Mom Ruined My Life…and why I still love her (or at least mine will). It’s cool…just next time…Chill the frick out!

Chill the frick out.

Thanks for reading!


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