Humor · kids · Motherhood · parenting · SAHM

If You Give My Daughter a Carrot…

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If you give my daughter a carrot…

she’s going to drop it on the ground…

and if she drops it on the ground, she’s going to want to wash it in the kitchen sink…

and when she tries to wash it in the kitchen sink she’s going to notice she’s just too damn short to reach it…

she’s going to need a chair…

and when she scoots the chair across the floor, it’s going to make a squeaking noise during the favorite part of your favorite song on the radio…

when you ask her to try to be quiet she will say ‘huh?’…

while you’re repeating yourself, she will turn the water on without noticing that that side of the sink is already full of soapy water…

she will wash the carrot in the soapy water while your back is turned…

and if your back is turned you will not realize that the sink is about to overflow…

and apparently neither will she because she’s too fucking busy dipping her carrot in the bubbles to notice…

when she does notice and screams, it’s too late…

you will have already noticed because  you hear the sound of a dam breaking right behind you…

you will need a towel…

you’ll grab the closest thing while lecturing my daughter…

she will say nothing…

if she says nothing you will ask her to answer you…

when she answers you an entire carrot will fall out of her mouth all crunched into pieces and slick with saliva…

you will get annoyed and yell…

after you yell she will say, “that carrot tasted like soap”…

and if her carrot tastes like soap…

she’s going to ask for another carrot…

And chances are, if you give my daughter another carrot…

I will kick you in the face.

The End.

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9 thoughts on “If You Give My Daughter a Carrot…

      1. It was a “I totally understand ha, ha”, but wait, maybe you’re right! LOL!

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