There are exactly 2 children, 1 baby, 2 adults, 3 fish, and a dog living in this house. So can someone please explain to me why there are 13 toothbrushes in the cup on the bathroom sink?
I counted 15 shoes laying around the house this morning. Which means 1) my family has no idea what a closet is, and 2) Next time I’m running late for an appointment, someone is going to moan, “I can’t find my other shoe.”
We have 3 million toys. And I’m not counting any of mine or my husbands! Three million! All over my house. Toppling over in corners, poking out of cabinets, hiding under the couch, the beds, the rugs! If you can take 6 steps in my house without hitting a toy, you win a prize! Take the closest toy to you. It’s yours! Yay!
Is it just the children? Of course not. Where do you think they learned this hoarding behavior from? Their father! The man owns 72 translucent high school football t-shirts. “They’re my work shirts.” My ass. Fish tanks? 3.
1 has 2 fish,
1 has 1,
and the other great big one,
it has none.
Cars? Cars are important. We need them to get from here to there and all that. But he owns 2 that can’t hold the entire family and 2 more that don’t run at all! And if you’re going to have all these cars, you’re gonna need magazines about how to service them. He has 519. Each one has at least one vital paragraph about vehicular care that he would NEVER be able to find via Google!
You would think that this would teach me a lesson. That I would be a minimalist or something. But I’m not. They’ve made me just like them! I own 47 journals. 92 scrapbooks. 19 cameras (only one works) and 21 bottles of partially used body lotions. If you look in my cabinets, you’ll find 12 containers of instant coffee (I just don’t wanna run out!), and 7 cans of Pam. I’ve also collected over the years 7,210 pencils. And you know how many are #2’s? Not a single solitary one. I tried sending Tommy to school with one of my pencils and the teacher sent it back with a note:
Dear Tommy’s Mom,
Please do not send your children to school with these shitty pencils. #2’s are on sale at Wal-mart for $.97.
Looking forward to a great year!
Tommy’s Pain-in-the-Ass Teacher
Even the fish have too much shit! There are 9 bags of various fish pellets and flakes and worms and vitamins laying on my table. 3 special thermometers, 2 packs of water testing strips, 6 special hoses for God only knows what. Seriously? You’re fish!
The dog is the only decent one in this house. He has 1 bowl for food, 1 bowl for water, one container of food, and one bag of chewy snacky sticks. Oh, and 3 toys he never gets to play with cause the kids are playing with them instead of one of their 3 million toys!
I think it’s time to clean house.