Humor · Motherhood · photography

Miracle on West Main Street

So Happy Belated Christmas everyone! Here’s our Christmas card. I’m super proud of it. (It also happens to fall under the Weekly Photo Challenge of Windows this week, so I’m totally using it.)

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They’re just so cute…stealing cars and running over people. It’s really what the season is all about.  Anyways,  hope you all had a great holiday.

I tried something new this Christmas.  I gave my mom absolutely no choice in my Christmas present. I should mention, my mom believes December is the time for ultimate wish granting all wrapped in shiny paper and bows. She wants you to give her the super long list with everything from a book light from Wal-mart to those $700 pair of headphones from Best Buy. And she will do her damnedest to get it all. I’ve had many a spoiled Christmas!

So, when I told her I wanted money, I worried her silly little head might explode.

“Money?”

“Yeah. I really don’t need anything, and the stuff I want is just stuff to get the kitchen and breezeway done.”

“Oh okay, well what do you want for those rooms? I can buy that.”

“Um…well…nothing. I mean…OH! I know! A gift card to like Lowes or Home Depot would be awesome.”

“A gift card?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay.”

2 weeks before Christmas I get a text: Were you serious about $?

Yes

Okay. If that’s what you really want.

It’s what I really wanted. And in the end she gave me some cold hard cash (along with a stocking full of goodies). I know it was hard for her, but it was just what I needed. So thanks, Mom!

Then I rang in 2014 trying something new, too.

Usually when I go to the grocery store I am the physical embodiment of preparation. I have my coupons cut and my grocery store discount card up to date. My list is perfectly based on the menu I have prepared and each item is listed in the order that I will find it in the store.  My purse is filled with the credit card, check book, gift cards, cell phone, suckers to keep the older 2 quiet, sippy cup to stop the younger ones screams, and a flask to help calm mommy so she doesn’t violently bash her cart into the fragile hips of slow, geriatric shoppers. “GRAB YOUR VITAMIN D MILK AND MOVE ON GRANDMA!” Let’s just say it, it’s the most important thing I carry. Or at least I used to think so.

I was lucky this day because I didn’t have to take a single child with me. Oh glorious grocery store! How I love thee! And after some truly zen-like shopping, I pushed my super-full cart into the lane of one of my favorite cashiers. Could it be any better?

When it was time to pay, I opened an empty check book. “Oh. That’s right. I used my last check last week. No problem. I’ll grab the credit card.” But my credit card wasn’t in it’s usual pocket in my purse. I glanced up at the woman in line behind me. “Sorry, let me just dig through here. I don’t know what I could’ve done with it. ”

“Maybe your husband has it. You should ask him about it.”

That was the weirdest damn thing a stranger has ever said to me. Why would she just assume that? Did I look like the kind of woman who had a husband who would sneak her credit card out of her purse? No…but she did!

Eventually I came across a credit card I had never seen in my life, and deperately ran it through the machine. While I was waiting for it to say “Approved, bitch!”, I suddenly remembered the gift card my step dad got me for Christmas to this store. It was sitting on my dresser. What an idiot! Why didn’t I put it in my purse? Stupid, stupid, stupid…

“Declined for insufficient funds.”  The poop-faced cashier announced to the entire line.

“Wha-a-a-a-t? That’s weird.”

The weirdo lady behind me raised her eyebrows as if to say, “It was that no good thievin’ husband of yours, girlfriend.”

By now, I am freaking out. I’m frantically searching for this stupid fucking card that has to be in the this stupid fucking purse because it’s always in there. Unless I buy something online which I haven’t since…

Oh shit.

That’s when I remember, I took it out the day before to buy a stupid-ass Bandaloom set on Amazon. It’s still next to the computer. Mother. Fucker.

I pretended to keep looking while trying to figure this out.  What happens when you don’t have enough money to pay for your groceries? I mean, they already rang them up. Maybe they’ll let me get by on like a store credit or something. I mean, I’m here every week. They know me, right? But then I remembered that this was not 1940 and I was not simply buying milk and bread from Mr. Gower the sweet old druggist from It’s a Wonderful Life.

I gave up. I looked up to that whore-bag cashier lady who was strumming her plastic red fingernails on the counter and quietly mumbled, “Well, I guess I don’t…I mean…Oh wait! Maybe I have some cash!”

The line behind me moaned and reached for their pitch forks! But, as I opened my wallet, I let out a squeal. There was my Christmas cash from dear Mother! It was a New Years miracle! I proudly handed it over and got the hell out of there before anyone I knew showed up.

One of my New Years Resolutions is to be more positive. So I’m going for it. That whole grocery store thing, it’s definitely a sign. I’m thinking 2014 is gonna be my luckiest year ever! Right? Definitely…as long as that NEVER happens again. Dear God!

Thanks for stopping by!

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3 thoughts on “Miracle on West Main Street

  1. I’ve been there, Whims! You handled it great! I didn’t have any cash. I had to have my groceries set aside and leave the store in shame while I drove home for the new checks. Good thing I didn’t buy ice cream that day. Do your grocery stores have those outside, drive-thru, pick-up areas? Ours does. Guess how many times I’ve driven home only to realize I forgot to drive-thru and get my groceries. It’s a curse.

    1. No we don’t have pick-up areas…well we do for the pharmacy but not for groceries. That sounds amazing! well, except for the whole forgetting your actual groceries part. That would suck. But still…sounds like I need to write a letter to someone to get me some of that! Thanks for stopping by!

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