Humor · Marriage · parenting

Tell Me Sweet Little Lies

My husband has never been good with words. I picked this up early in our relationship when after dating for a month he asked me, “What’s your name?”


“No, I mean, I have no idea what your last name is.”

“You probably could’ve asked one of my friends this. It would have been safer.”

“Yeah…I wish I would’ve thought of that. You look kinda mean, now.”

And even when he says something that’s completely okay,  I tend to twist his words around, just for my own depraved amusement.

“What’s your favorite thing about me?”

“Your ass.”

“Well jee-whiz, thanks for making me feel like a brainless fatty!”


But, after 9 years of perfect wedded bliss, I think he’s getting the hang of this. Our son’s Cub Scout Cake Auction is coming up. So I’ve been spending way too much time  Googling the ingredients in fondant and mindlessly scanning Pinterest. I like to think I’m pretty good in the kitchen, but I am no cake creator. I’m looking for the coolest possible cake that a real life person with no actual talent could pull off. They do not have those on Pinterest, by the way. Apparently, everyone who posts cakes on Pinterest are fucking Martha Stewart clones. Or Betty Crocker Bitches. Yeah, I like that one better. Fucking Betty Crocker Bitches!

So, one night,  in frustration I showed my husband this picture…

cake auction joke“I think I’m going to make this for the cake auction. What do you think?”

He paused, but just the perfect amount of pausing, and said, “I think…you could. You definitely could. But…I just don’t…think…it will…look…like that.”

Dear Lord! I laughed so hard, I cried. That was probably the most perfect answer ever.

He’s getting better, ladies and gentleman. He’s getting good! And I’m so proud. <tear>


One thought on “Tell Me Sweet Little Lies

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