Humor · Motherhood · parenting · SAHM

Febru-blah-ry

Oh February! That lovely time of year when I completely give up parenting my 3 small children. Not because I’m a bad person, mind you, but because I’ve been doing it since November with no break and I JUST CAN’T DO IT ANYMORE!

I don’t know what it’s like in the rest of the world, but in Ohio between November and let’s say mid-March, the weather  goes completely ape-shit crazy. One day it’s 80 degrees and the next it’s 12 degrees.  In the middle of the night it suddenly gets hotter. During the day a tornado will come rip the place to shreds and in the evening another tornado will come and put everything back in its place. It’s snowing, it’s raining, it’s sleeting, it’s sunny and thundering at the same time. It’s crazy! One Christmas, I swear to you, it was 65 degrees out and snowing. And actually, November and December aren’t too bad. But January?! Holy shit! There’s Ice storms on top of ice storms on top of rainy-sleety shit that burns holes in your coat if you step outside.  And it stays like that until one random day in mid-March when the sun pokes out.

And there’s happy little red birds tweeting in the skies.

And mother does and their babies sweetly nipping at the cherry trees.

And bunnies are rubbing the sleep from their eyes with their cute little paws.

And you and your neighbor cautiously emerge from shelter and give each other a we-lived-through-it nod.

And then you THROW YOUR CHILDREN OUTSIDE because they haven’t been out since October!

But back to February. This is when it begins. You give up. You stop caring. You stop trying. What’s the point? They don’t listen. They’ve been listening to you for past 120 days and they need a break, too.  My first sign of February began early. On the last day of January there was a scream from the back of the car.

“MOM! Jack is trying to kill me with his sword!”

“Well honey, you’re just gonna have to let him kill you because it’s the only thing making him happy right now.”

Then there was the moaning from my daughter on February 3rd.  “Moooom, I think I’m dying.”

“Yep, that happens to the best of us.”

Last week,  my son was on his 6th hour of playing Minecraft when he asked, “Do you guys wanna see my murdering hole?” He then began creating pig-creepers and pushing them into a fiery pit. My husband turned to me, “Should we talk to him about this?” I looked up from my book, “Yeah. Hey Tommy, turn the volume down! Those piggy screams are annoying!”

It will get to the point that I stop caring if they’ve bathed or brushed their teeth or eaten any fruits or vegetables for the month!

“Oh man! Mom’s ordering pizza for supper again. UGH!”

But I know we are getting close to the end when I can completely forget they are in the room. They’re just as loud, just as whiney, just as rotten as usual, but my mind has gone into preservation mode and I just completely forget they are there. And it gets me in trouble.

Tommy: Laurie and Aidan sittin’ in a tree. K-I-S-S-I-N-G! First comes love, 2nd comes marriage, then comes Aidan pushing the baby carriage!

Me: That’s not all! That’s not all! The baby’s drinking al-co-hol!

Tommy: Mom, did you seriously just say that?!

Me: What? How long have you been standing there!?

The weatherman keeps saying it’s gonna warm up soon. And all my friends are posting pictures of the forecast on their Facebook pages. I just laugh. Post and predict and pray as much as you like people! Trust me! It’s mid-March. Mid-March is when we celebrate…

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OUR FREEDOM!

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5 thoughts on “Febru-blah-ry

  1. Loved this! Mine are teenagers now but I remember and still visit (although not as often anymore). Mine are lucky when I throw a frozen pizza in the oven, it is often as close to cooking as they get 🙂

  2. Very funny (love the Minecraft piggy screams reference). Our son is grown, but we live in Ohio, too, and you are right on with this post. March … March … come on mid-March! (But Ohio can throw snow at you in June, too.)

    1. Are you trying to jinx us! You don’t even speak of snow in June! Oh Lord, we are doomed now. Thanks a lot! That was sarcasm.

      And thanks for stopping by. That was NOT sarcasm.

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