Humor · kids · Motherhood · parenting · SAHM


I recently entered this story in the Erma Bombeck writing contest. It didn’t win. It didn’t even place. I imagine it was spit on and shredded, burnt to ashes, sprinkled on butter pecan ice cream and fed to terrorist. But the good news is  I saved a copy to share with you fine folks! Enjoy!

I bet if you were to ask my mother, she would tell you  it took me nearly a lifetime to learn how to spell the word ‘of’. It actually only took a couple nights of practicing but, looking back, I can see why she would think that. I remember her punching herself in the thigh and yelling, “O-F! OF IS SPELLED O-F!” She was crazy! At least, that’s what I thought before I, too, became versed in aggravated Scream-Spelling.

“For the hundredth time, it’s E-V-E-N! EVEN! GOT IT? E-V-E-N!”

After that, it didn’t take long to excel in Sound-It-Out-Screeching. “We’ve read this word a million times!  Sound it out, for Pete’s sake!”

And then exceed in Math-Barks “7 + 3 is 10! How many times do we have to go over this!”

These are not acts of lunacy, by the way. It’s just the natural reaction to helping an 8-, 9-, or 10-year old with their homework. I’ve spoken to other mothers. I’m not the only one out there who hides in the pantry for a good cry after 45-minutes of sentence writing with her 8-year-old.  And this made me wonder, why isn’t there a course for parents to help us help them. It could be called, “How to Assist your Child with their Homework Without Killing Them.” I would pay for this course. We would all pay for this course!

Imagine the knowledge gained in the class “Breaking Through the Blank Stare”. Or the useful tips given in “Resisting the Urge to Smack the Eyes that Roll.” Do you ever wonder if there’s something more practical than threatening to take away Minecraft? Or why your child never seems to have a #2 Pencil when you bought 6 boxes of them in August? Do you ever ask yourself, “Why isn’t the teacher teaching them this stuff at school?” Well these questions and more will be answered in “Words from a Teacher: Shut Up and Listen.” For everyone’s safety this will be offered Online only.

Perhaps this course should be mandatory for all parents with homework-aged children. Though, I’m sure there will be some resistance in the beginning. Parents of 1st-graders will whine that they don’t need help in teaching their little angels. But buddy, I’ll bet you the farm by October, they’ll be thanking Jesus, Mary and Buddha that they had! They can take, “Who is this Smart-Mouthed Little Brat the School sent Home?”

Well, it’s a nice idea, but until it happens I need to save my voice. I’ve got a night of Social-Studies-Shouting followed with some Shrieky-Science. It is going to be a loud night. (Though, word around the PTO is if you gurgle Vodka, all that pain goes away. Actually everything goes away so win-win!)

Thanks for reading!


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