Humor · kids · Motherhood · parenting


I’ll tell ya my dirty little secret.  Most the time I clean the bathroom by using super speed and bottles of product that say, “NO SCRUBBING NECESSARY!” I hate cleaning the bathroom!  But yesterday in the shower, the soap scum actually reached out and gave me a back massage. It felt great, but, ya know, icky. So I knew it was that very very unfortunate time to scrub the tub.

So what’s the big deal? You scrub the tub, bada-bing, bada-boom, no more unwanted sexual harassment in the shower. I mean, I’m home all day, right? I have plenty of time to get this done, right?

Yeah, screw you.

The problem is, I have children. Specifically, I have 1-year-old who HAS to help with everything. And I’m a loner. Leave me alone and let me handle my business! The other kids get it.

Mom’s got a mop!Run for your lives!

But not Jack Henry. He’s all up in my cleanness.  So I have to give him ‘jobs’ that are so compelling he doesn’t even notice the fun purple foam mommy’s spraying in the shape of stars and hearts all over the tub.

On shower scrubbing day, I let him play in the sink. He can add 4000 toys. He can turn the faucets on and off and on and off and on and…good Lord, the sink is about to overflow. I let him splash. I even let him drink from the faucet. Whatever he wants as long as he lets me get some scrubbing in.

And that’s how we were floating along yesterday. I’m cleaning a mess. He’s making a bigger mess. It’s actually the sad  story of my life. But it’s cool. I’m not complaining…really. And within 30 minutes, I’ve got that tub looking so good, I may never bathe my filthy children in it again. It was beautiful.

Then I turned around. I knew he was being too good. But something in me…something visceral…told me not to look up and check on him while I was actually accomplishing a task. Oh why do I listen to visceral Rachel? She’s such a back-stabbing hag!

Jack had removed the stopper in the sink. He then pushed 5 toothbrushes down the drain and covered it with every single bath toy known to man.  When there were no more toys, he quietly snuck into the medicine cabinet (where we actually keep NO medicine, thank God.) and dumped out perfume and dental floss and facial cream and lip balms and a new pack of razor blades and an old pack of band-aides. And then, he looked at his beautiful creation, and soaked it with ice-cold water.

I tell ya, life is fun, isn’t it? Never in a million years did I ever think I’d be standing in my bathroom blow drying band-aides. But I did.

March 2014 040

Tomorrow is window washing day. Lord only knows what kind of shenanigans he’s gonna get into during that! Maybe I should put it off until the window sludge starts reaching out for high-fives.  Couldn’t hurt.

Thanks for stopping by!


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