Dental Hell

I have to go to the dentist in a couple weeks to get a permanent crown put in. Getting the temporary was horribly agonizing in itself. There was a lot of scratching against my lip and the dentist repeatedly telling me I have a small mouth, “No matter what anybody tells you”, he’d joke. I refused to muffle a laugh.

My dentist’s office is very deceiving.  They make it all warm and cozy, but maybe a little too warm and cozy. They have the good cushioned chairs and a great selection of magazines, so the waiting is okay. Oh and also there’s the unimaginable pain that’s waiting for me on the other side of the door, so once again, the waiting is okay. On one particular day they were showing a soap opera that I hadn’t seen in nearly 20 years. I recognized two of the actors and started to watch to see if they were still fighting over that perfume company.  But then the screen switched to two very attractive people getting ready to go at it in bed.  Maybe it’s just me, but something about watching soft-core porn in a room of strangers just doesn’t sit well with me. Blushing, I picked up a Time Magazine. And as the sounds of their…love making…got more…arousing…I couldn’t help but wonder if anyone was a little grossed out over this. I peeked over the top of my magazine to the little old lady clutching her purse across from me. I waited for her to march right on up to the receptionist desk and demand they turn it to the 700 Club, but she didn’t. She just stared intently at the screen, sucking loudly on a red and white mint. As the woman on t.v. gave us an impressive PG-rated climax, that dirty old lady cracked a smile.   Thank god they called my name just then. Even excruciating pain had nothing on this!

I had another visit that went surprisingly well…sorta. It would’ve been fantastic if I was a man! I got a new dental hygienist. She was talkative and smiled a lot which is great. I figured if someone’s going to be rooting around my mouth…or any parts of my body, really…then they better be friendly and laugh at all my awkward jokes.

Anyways, everything’s going great until she can’t reach something and needs to change position. I spent the next few minutes with her heavy boobs resting on my forehead.  I don’t know how I managed not to laugh. I’m one of those people who giggles when I’m uncomfortable and I gotta say, I was pretty uncomfortable. The weird thing is, I don’t think she even noticed. How could you not notice that? The rest of the cleaning went fantastic. I don’t think my teeth have ever felt better! But I haven’t gotten her since. And when I make appointments for my husband, I make sure he doesn’t get her either!

I’m not sure what to expect at this next appointment. Tears of blood while the dentist tells me my bicuspid is amazing? A nipple to the eye while getting my teeth x-rayed? It’s sure to an adventure…that will take months of therapy before I’m able to write about it. But at least I’ll have a pretty smile!


Thanks for reading!








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