Humor · kids · Motherhood · parenting · SAHM

Fear and Loathing in Ohio

My children are rotten evil little creatures.

The other day, it was pretty chilly for Spring. I do not like to be outside when it’s this cold. And I really don’t like to be outside when it’s windy, which it also was on this particular day. But my children laid down at me feet and cried, “Please Mother! Let us just play outside for a little bit! Staying in this house for another minute is just going to rob us of our exuberance and youth and we will morph into those pasty fat kids who stay in and play video games and eat 7 or 8 hotdogs a day!”  How could I argue with that?

Now the older two can play out back by themselves. We have a fence and the dog is out there with them and they know to scream and run like hell  if someone approaches. But the baby needs constant supervision. He likes to eat things and throw things and jump from things and if some maniac with a machete approaches he’ll probably run over to give hugs. So I had to go outside with them. And that lasted for about 3 minutes because of the damn wind! Problem was I knew if I brought Jack inside with me he’d scream his little head off the rest of the night, and I really didn’t want to have to listen to that! So I got an idea.

An awful idea.

I got a wonderfully awful idea!

I can sit in our breezeway and be able to watch the kids playing outside. And where I can’t see, Tommy can cover for me. Because, ya know, 8-year-olds are fantastic babysitters. So I tell Tommy, I’m gonna be right in the breezeway and I’ll leave the back door open, if he could just keep an eye on Jack.

Yeah, fine, whatever.

And that was good enough for me.

So I let them play another 30 minutes and then yelled for them to come in. “Awe, we don’t wanna! Just a few more minutes, please Mom?”

“No.”

And I walked over to Jack who was on the top of the slide just happy as can be, put my arms out and said, “C’mere bab-COUGH! HACK! CHOKE! GAG!”

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That stupid wind had just blown 4lbs of sand OFF Jack and into my mouth, my eyes, my ears and in my hair. I was suffocating and blind, def, and itching all over. Though, not too def cause as I ran inside to clean my contacts out, I hear Tommy say, “Good job, Jack. Now we can stay out a little longer!”

Why those little something somethings that I’m not gonna say cause I’m trying to watch my frickin’ mouth!

Once I did get them all inside and in the tub because they were all filthy from head to toe, I found out that they BOTH took turns pouring sand over Jack’s head.  There was sand caked in his hair and all the way down his body. Even in his diaper. Poor thing hates to get his diaper changed, but this time, he begged me, “Mama! Wash the rocks from my butt! Please!” His deceitful older brother and sister used him as a pawn in their quest to stay outside long. They hadn’t figured the wind, but were hoping I’d see how dirty he was and take him inside for a bath so they could play longer. The wind was just gravy on the mud pie, I guess.

I told them they were grounded from going outside the next day. I lectured Tommy on being a protective big brother and not a big jerk. I gave Laurie the same speech I’m always giving her which is DON’T LISTEN TO TOMMY! But it doesn’t matter. He’ll continue to be a butt and she’ll still follow him around doing his bidding no matter how evil. That’s how they roll. What’s scares me though, is it’s not even Summer vacation yet!

I feel the need to pray.

Dear Heavenly Father,

Thank you for Summer. Thank you for my children. But please, Lord, help me this summer as  I deal with those children who you have blessed with far too many smarts. Help me to keep calm and not lock them in the closet most days. And help them to realize they are slowly killing their mother.

In Your Heavenly Name we pray,

Amen.

Feel free to use that prayer in your own life. And thanks for stopping by.

 

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