Humor · kids · Motherhood · parenting · Uncategorized

Mad Fish

scan0002When my husband brought home the Convicts, he looked intently into the bag they were swimming in and grumbled, “I hope that’s not a female.”

“What’s wrong with a female? Worried she’s gonna girly up your tank with pink throw pillows and tampons?”

“No, I’m afraid she’ll get pregnant and then my tank will be overrun with Convicts.”

Then he began giving me a lecture on the life of a Convict. I nodded and daydreamed through most of it. You’d think with a name like Convict their little fishy lives would be more interesting. But there were no shankings or gang wars or plots to kill the warden. I don’t know why my husband finds fish so fascinating. It makes me question why he enjoys me so much!

“…and once they spawn, they spawn for life.”

That got my attention. “What do you mean they spawn for life?”

“When a male and a female have babies, they stay together forever. And they just keep on having babies.  AND they like being parents. That’s when they get violent. They’ll attack any other fish that threatens their family.”

Well, that’s kind of morbidly heartwarming.

So, a while later we found Steven was right. Mama had her babies, must’ve been 100 of’em, and Daddy stayed by her side. We had other fish and they stuck to their side of the tank. If they even looked in the direction of those babies, Daddy (and some times Mommy) would kick their asses. Or whatever fish have instead of asses.

It’s been kind of nice with our little fish family with good fish family values. It’s  like having the traditional American Dream right in our own home. Just, the fishy version.

So it’s been about a month since their birth, and last night Steven says, “I think some of the babies were eaten.”

I was devastated. “How!?”

“That other Convict is pregnant and I think the dad is busy protecting her instead of the babies.”

“Wait. What?”

“The other Convict. Apparently, she’s a female, too. And the dad Convict knocked her up. So he’s protecting her and not the kids so the kids are getting eaten.”

Talk about a punch in the gut!

“So he knocks up some skank and deserts his first family to take care of  her? He can’t do that! That’s not right! You know what? No! Get that son of a bitch out of the tank. We’re gonna saute his ass and feed him to the dog!”

My husband thinks this reaction is hilarious. I find nothing humorous about it! This once happy tank is now gonna be infested with little bastards and probably weird fishy STD’s because this joker can’t keep his fishy junk in his fishy pants!

“I thought they mate for life? One tank, one love? What the hell happened to that?!”

Steven cleared the laughing from his throat and shrugged, “Well, maybe I read it wrong. Maybe they do mate for life, but it’s not monogamous.”

“NOT MONOGAMUS! Are you kidding me? You can’t say ‘hey let’s mate for life. but uh…i’m gonna mate with Francesca for life too cause dayum, fishy got back!’  This is ridiculous. And I can’t believe you seem completely fine with this kind of behavior taking place in our home.”

“Well…they’re fish…so…”

I had to leave the room.  I was so annoyed.

So this morning I’m walking past the tank and I stop and watch for minute. It’s true. He kicked the old Mom out  and stuck her and the kids in a dirty corner at the bottom of the tank. Meanwhile, his new woman is living the high life in the flowery plastic barrel. AND, he IS protecting her. Even from me! He must have sensed my hostility because he suddenly turns and rushes at me. I stooped down to his level and whispered, “Bring it on, douche bag!”

I’m heading to the good fish store right now. I’m gonna find the biggest, most colorful and amazing fishy castle and move the old mom and her babies in there. Then, I’m gonna buy the biggest, sexiest, most romantic,  male Convict I can, and bring him home to her, too. That’s right! She’s moved on, asshole! Good luck with that nagging floozy and her horrible little rug rats! Chump!

Yes, I’m completely aware I have some issues, but I still thank you for stopping by.







9 thoughts on “Mad Fish

  1. LOL I LOVE IT!!! Fantastic post to wrap up my night with..

    What a wonderful keeper you are, protecting your fish mummy from becoming a side dish!!

    Love your style of writing 🙂 Thanks for sharing


    1. Wow, thanks! That’s so nice to hear. Yeah, I’m basically for women’s rights no matter what the species is. I am woman hear me roar…or tweet…or baa…or pup pup pup (that’s my fish noise. It’s probably not very accurate.) 🙂 Thank you for commenting!

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