Humor · parenting

T.V. Time


If it wasn’t for my own obsession with a handful of shows (The Blacklist, Grey’s Anatomy, Total Divas…I love those bitches!) I would just cancel cable…at least for the summer and fall. I think my family watches maybe less than the average American family, but that’s not why I want to cancel. It’s because kid shows are idiotic and are slowly turning my children into idiots.

I get annoyed coming in to a room and seeing all 3 kids sucked into some not-funny-just-stupid cartoon about some guy with a mustache who hangs with a piece of pizza and a lizard and…well after that I’m not even sure what else happens in the show. I had to stop watching because I suddenly had the urge to punch myself in the face. When t.v. is so stupid it makes you want to punch yourself in the face, it’s time to go outside. Or change the channel. It was raining, so I changed the channel.

Oh those agonizing wails of disappointed children. “MooooOOOOOOOooooom!” Mwahahaha! That’s right kiddies! Mommy’s taking back the remote! Bow to my most evil and all-encompassing power! Ha-ha!

I actually wish I would have thought to say that at the time. I probably just said, “Shut up. You’re not watching that stupid show.”

I skipped through the channels and came across the Nature Network…or Natgeo…or it might have even been the Smithsonian Channel…whatever it was it was sure to be educational. A lizard was zigzagging through the desert and someone who sounded like Alec Baldwin narrated, “…the cold-blooded chameleon flattens its grey body…”

The children groaned. I was tempted to tell them to take notes. “There’s gonna be a test right after these messages!”

But, after they quit the dramatics, they actually started watching. And enjoying. And learning. And I could see their brilliant little brains working. I imagined each of them growing up to be the valedictorian and thanking me in their speech, “I especially want to thank the woman who did it all for me. Including making me watch educational t.v. Mom, this is for you…and Natgeo!” The crowd explodes with applause and jealous mothers all around give me the stink-eye. Ha-ha, Bitches.

My fantasy was short-lived when Laurie asked, “Why are they fighting?”

Crap. Nothing ruins a good time quite like violent chameleon rape.

So we turned it back to Cartoon Network. Luckily, the most awesomest show in the world was on, Adventure Time. So I allowed it. It might not be Alec Baldwin reporting play-by-play accounts on chameleon sexy time, but there’s still some good stuff there.


As long as we got this shit, At&t has a customer. Thanks for stopping by!






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