There are over 10 million colors the human eye can see, and they are all available for purchase at your local big-box home-maintenance store. I know because I have recently been spending hours…or just very long, tedious minutes…staring into the colorful abyss of one big-box home-maintenance store’s paint section.
Somebody. Please. Shoot me.
Painting a room is probably a very exciting time for some people. And you might even think that I, a fairly creative person, would be thrilled to death to get rid of our current blue and white-spackled wall, but I hate it. Part of the problem is I haven’t the foggiest idea what color to paint my kitchen. I could hire a professional to tell me what would match well with the yellowy-gold color in the Family room, but I am much too cheap for that. Plus, I have trust issues and believe if I’m going to completely fuck up a room it should be I that fucks it up and not some total stranger who won’t give two paintbrushes how awful it turns out because he won’t have to start his morning staring into something called Woodrow Wilson Putty everyday. Yes, that’s an actual paint color.
Honestly, I don’t think it is humanly possible to pick the perfect color. I’ve attempted to do so several times and they never look the way they do on that bite-sized sample they give out. At least now some places will sell you a tiny can of actual paint to test on your walls. That’s helpful, but not really because when you get it home, you find that even though Timid Violet was so much more darker thank Fainting Violet it doesn’t matter because one is purple and the other is green!
So far, the only enjoyable part of this process has been reading the names of paints (and wondering why on Earth my guidance counselor never suggested this as a possible career!). There’s so many and so…different, there’s just no way you can’t find something you enjoy. Seriously, there’s something for everybody. In to music theater? Try My Fair Lady or Dress Rehearsal. Enjoy burning crosses? Here’s one called Great White Way. Completely obsessed with 50 Shades of Grey? Now you can paint your spanking cellar Hush Hush or String of Pearls or even better, Rope (which looks nothing like you would assume the color Rope would look like). I did find one that seemed to fit our home just fine, Dust Bunny, but it was too pink.
On my last trip, I skipped the tiny sample square, and grabbed a little brochure that showed exactly what colors to paint with which colors. AH! YES! Dumb it down for me your, glorious bastards! And surprisingly I found one that held the exact colors I want in every room of my house. It was called, “Colors of Fall”. I found a color that sorta matched the Family Room (They’re attached so that’s why I have to match them, in case you were wondering) called Jackson Square. And right below it was THE color. MY color. It was everything I’d been looking for and so much more. Not too bright. Not too plain. It was soft and warm and inviting.
And it was called Cream Delight.
Are you kidding me!?!? I can’t have Cream Delight on my kitchen walls! My children eat in there!
So, it’s back to the drawing board. I think maybe I need to go green. Crushed Oregano wasn’t so bad. Or Lime Passion…Desert Hot Springs? Herb Cornucopia?! Help.
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