Humor · Marriage · parenting

Bedroom Behavior

Writing 101: Go to a public location and make a detailed report of what you see. The twist of the day? Write the post without adverbs. If you’d rather not write a new post, revisit and edit a previous one.

I revisited an old post that’s been sitting in my editing file for far too long.

When my darling husband’s alarm clock goes off, I stop myself from jumping for joy. I have been lying in agony, waiting for the damned thing to ring, because my body is screaming. Maybe it’s a scream you’re familiar with? The scream of a thousand nerve endings standing in unison and announcing, “Stretch us out, baby!”

I cannot stretch us out (baby) until the man I have chosen to love for eternity rolls his snoring, drooling ass out of our bed! Trust me, nothing would give me more pleasure than to occupy his side. I give him the stare down while the alarm finishes it ring, and at that moment, he chooses to hit the snooze button. I have also made a choice, which I will not discuss here as it could be used as evidence against me one well-rested day.

My one choice at this moment is to change positions. First I’m on my right side. One arm under the pillow the other tucked under my chin. But pillow-arm starts to tingle so I move. This time on my left side, both hands by my face. Only now, the man of my dreams is breathing right in my face and it’s more or less pissing me the fuck off. He’s too close to me to get into “the swastika” position. I’m too close to the edge of the bed to do the “Egyptian.”  I end up on my stomach with one hand over my head and the other flat at my side and realize I look like I’m stuck mid-swim. I come up for air and stop myself from kicking the love of my life.

His alarm clock goes off again, and I think he might get out of bed this time.  But he just lays there. I count to 50 and then roll over kinda hard to maybe give the father of my children the hint that he is no longer welcome in this bed and needs to remove himself from the premises. It doesn’t work.

My mind wanders to  people with separate beds. We’ve joked about it before. Or rather, we’ve made fun of those poor sexless people in their separate beds, but now I’m thinking they’re on to something. They can stretch out when and where they like. They have no one to share the blankets with. If they want to sleep with their head at the other end of the bed, they can do so without fear of getting kicked in the face in the middle of the night. What am I waiting for!? Our bedroom is tiny so it might take some Martha Stewart magic to get two beds in here, but I think I can do it. If not, perhaps I should get my own room!

I was counting out how many years until the children would move out and I could regain control of my own home, when the snooze alarm goes off for the third time. Of course he sleeps through it. I give him a gentle yet super hard jab to his ribs and mumble, “Time to get up. Babe.” (Mumbles makes him think I’m also half-asleep and didn’t mean to puncture a rib, while adding  ‘babe’ shows that I still love him so he can’t get mad at me for any injuries I may have inflicted.)

He turns off the alarm this time, thank God, but then snuggles in next to me and says, “Did you sleep well?”

Are you kidding me?  He knows damn well I haven’t slept well since 2004! By this point, my entire body is tingling and I’m afraid I’m going to lose control of my extremities and begin flailing at him like a bitch on X. Just get the hell outta my bed, you smothering son of a monkey butt!

Instead, I gather my strength and coo, “Fine. You?”

“Great.”

“Well then maybe you better get up for work so you’re not late. You’re going to take a shower, aren’t you?”

“I wasn’t planning on it. Why? Do I stink?”

BINGO! I know he was only kidding, but this just may be my get-out-of-jail-free card.

“Little bit. But maybe no one will notice.”

Seconds later he’s in the shower and I am spread from sea to shining sea! Oh beautiful for spacious bed, for cold pillows and duvet. My nerve endings hum in unison and all is right with the world. I am comfortable, I have forgiven my bed-hog husband, and I am drifting into an incredible sleep.

And then my alarm goes off. Son of a-!

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