Humor · parenting

Turkey Brawling 101

I am so thankful for my loving and generous family, and for my amazing, caring friends. I thank God for my  health and for my home and for my jazzy little mini van. For some strange reason, I have been blessed beyond words and I am grateful.

Now, with all that being said, let’s talk about the shit that we’re not going to mention on Thanksgiving.

I think we all know someone whose gonna say something stupid or insulting or hurtful, on this most gluttonous of days. And I guess without pointing fingers, this is my way of giving that certain family member a little heads up…a little nod in the don’t-be-a-jerk-direction. Too bad they don’t actually read my blog, but if they did…well, they probably wouldn’t be talking to me anyway. But don’t let that get in the way of you doing your own nodding.  Feel free to hit that share button down below to give your own lovely relative some much needed Thanksgiving ques.

Let’s get started!

Religion and Politics: It’s classic advice that still applies today. Gun Control, Health Care, any word that rhymes with O Mama, these are all major Thanksgiving no-no’s. Really, nothing makes a person lose their appetite faster than walking into a room to hear someone say, “…and that is proof that Obama is the anti-christ!” Jeezy pete’s people, can’t we just eat a fucking meal together? Save that kind of talk for your Facebook page. If you get the urge to force-feed your political views or religion onto the whole family, I suggest you force-feed yourself a piece of pumpkin pie until that feeling is overtaken but stomach cramps and neck sweats.

Money: Money is a dick more often than not, but at Thanksgiving (and Christmas, too) it becomes SUPER DICK; FUCKING THE HOLIDAYS FOR ALL! Don’t ask to borrow it, and don’t ask to get the money you loaned last Thanksgiving back. Tis the season for broke-ass bitches, so just be thankful for those few dollars left in your wallet after the 2-hour shopping spree at Target. This also applies to when you’re getting a raise or a bonus at the end of the year. When you talk about money, it rubs its dickness all over you. Nobody wants to be a part of that mess while surrounded by Grandma’s good dishes.

Parenting: Yes, little Jimmy is being a douche, and no one is surprised. Maybe you wanna take it upon yourself to straighten little Jimmy out. Let him know what a total ass-bag he’s being?

Well, you save that shit for Easter! This is Thanksgiving, dammit!

On Thanksgiving we are thankful for little Jimmy and his exuberant nature. And little Jimmy’s parents are thankful for your patience.

You may think to yourself, “But, someone’s gotta tell his parents how to stop this douche-ness.” That’s fine, but Thanksgiving is not the time. Save your awesome parenting advice for later. Or maybe mention it before Turkey-day.

Oh, and if you have no kids, you say nothing…ever. The price to get in to the game is having a few soul suckers of your own. Only then can you suggest ass-beatings and time-outs and Ritalin as much as you like. Though in all honesty, you won’t be saying much because you realize real quick that all children have psychopathic tendencies that only come out during nice family get-togethers. So shut-up and enjoy your freedom while you still have it, you lucky bastard!

Now that we got through the biggies, here’s a few quotes to completely steer clear of.

“I gotta get going. The stores are opening at 6 tonight.” Charlie Brown would kick you in the balls right now if he could. Good grief!

“I better not. I’m watching my weight.” Just eat, bitch!

“So 2 Muslims walk into an airport…”
Not cool, not ever. Idiot.

“She’s so smart. She knows all the words to that Frozen song. Baby! Come on in here and sing the Frozen song for your Aunt!”
Dear God…please…stop.

Also, if you yourself let one of these slip, do what I always do. Say to the person you’ve offended, “Oh, sorry, that was a joke. It was from the show Big Bang Theory. Don’t you watch it?” No one watches it, so you’re good to go.

If you follow these simple guidelines, Thanksgiving will be full of love and joy and won’t end up like last years tear-filled nightmare.

At least…I hope. No promises.

Happy Thanksgiving!




4 thoughts on “Turkey Brawling 101

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