Humor · Marriage

A is for April Fools, Baby!

I love my husband very much, but he’s kind of an idiot. And he will admit that to you himself because every year, every April Fools Day, I get him! You would think that after 10 years of being harassed on the same exact day, you would remember that day. The date would pulsate in your mind and your bones would tingle as it gets closer and closer. Or you would just remember because your co-workers warn you, “Hey, tomorrow’s April Fools. Don’t let Rachel trick you.” But he doesn’t. He always always always forgets.

That does help me out a bit, but that’s only part of what makes April Fools Day so great. It’s also my favorite freaking holiday because every single year, I get him with the same exact gag! Every year! It’s amazing! And that is why every year he will call himself an idiot…after saying, “damn it, Rachel!”

So what is this dastardly trick I pull every April 1st? Well, let’s start from the beginning.

The key to a successful April Fools Day prank is to pretend there is no April 1st. You don’t change over the calendar a day early. You don’t mention that it’s almost April. You never let the words April 1st come out of your mouth and you sure as hell stop using the word ‘fool’ by mid-March. If someone mentions April 1st, you change the conversation.

“It’s almost April 1st!”

“Yeah, Easter! I gotta get some Marshmallow bunnies and peanut butter eggs and dye for coloring the eggs and, oh hell, I gotta get eggs! And what are you making to take to Grannies…”

And if someone mentions April Fools Day in front of your intended target, you better be prepared to do anything possible to get him to forget those 3 words.

I was lucky this year. Steven had no idea it was April. All three kids are home this week since Tommy has Spring Break so we don’t really don’t have a chance to think about the future. Spring Break is like a self-help program. We take it one day at a time.

So, last night we went to bed. Remember when you were a kid on Christmas, filled with excitement, and you would just suddenly wake up throughout the night to listen for the sound of Santa’s sleigh bells? Well that’s me on April Fools Day eve, except I’m listening for the steady sound of my husbands sleep-breathing. Around 1:30 he was good and gone so I slinked out of bed to set up my prank.

My prank is an oldie, but a goodie. Simple. Inexpensive, and can be set up with just a few item. It’s the old plastic wrap across the door. You set it up at night and when your target gets up in the morning, they walk right into it, causing a moment of panic as they think they just walked into an invisible wall. I know, it’s so dumb that it’s ingenious!

First, you have to pull out a size of plastic wrap that will cover the width of the door frame. You don’t need to cover the entire door. Just where their head will be. It’s simple, but in the middle of night it’s gut wrenching. Plastic wrap, or Saran Wrap, makes a lot of noise you don’t usually hear during the day! So I like to cut it in the kitchen and then take it to the bedroom door. This has worked just fine for 10 years, but last night I made a major mistake.

April 2015 003

When I taped it to the sides of the bedroom door, I somehow got it all twisted up. Ever try to untwist plastic wrap? Faghedaboudit. I probably should have taken it down and started over, but I already had the tape on when I noticed the problem and was worried removing it would make too much noise.

You may say, “Well what’s the big deal? He’s still gonna walk into it in the morning, right?” Um no. When it’s all twisted like that, you can see it, which defeats the whole purpose. It should be all soft and smooth, which is was when I put it across the bathroom door.

Back in bed, I could barely contain my excitement. Just 3 1/2 more hours til he’d walk into my awesome prank. Mwahahahaha!

Funny thing is, I’m getting old. I fell into a deep deep sleep where I dreamed I was helping a Brad Pitt look-alike marry his lover, Brad Pitt with glasses. I didn’t hear my husband’s alarm go off. I didn’t hear him chuckle to himself when he opened the door and spotted my twisted trick. And I didn’t hear him yell-whisper, “Damn it, Rachel!” when he walked into the one at the bathroom door.

I didn’t wake up until he came in and punched me, nicely, in the side of the butt. “Hey you, bastard!” he laughed in my ear. My eyes burst open, disintegrated any chance of the Brad Pitts saying I Do. “Did I get you?” I asked, all giddy.

“With the second one. I’m such an idiot,  I didn’t even realize today was April 1st!”

Of course you didn’t, my pet, because I am a professional. I fell back asleep. He went off to work. And a couple of hours later I woke up to find this…

April 2015 002

You can see where his face hit the plastic wrap. Tee-hee!  This gift is definitely better than anything I got for Christmas!

So Happy April Fool’s Day, all. I’m off to wrap the spray nozzle at the kitchen sink with a rubber-band. “Can someone get me a glass of water?!” Mwahahahaha!

 

 

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