depression · music

K is for Kurt

I always always think about it in April. April Fools Day, Easter, Spring, and Kurt Cobain killed himself.

I remember Kurt Loder’s somber and sober announcement on MTV News. And I remember the way my breathe caught in my chest. It was confusing and it seemed like so many of us were sad. Even these annoying pretty girls I went to school with. They cried in class and I just wanted to punch them in the face. But I’m not a violent person so instead I just made fun of them. I kinda feel bad about that now.

Then there were the people who wanted to make us feel bad for feeling sad about it. My parents, more than once, would sarcastically remind me that he was on drugs so of course he killed himself. One of my friends remarked, “I hated that guy so much. I’m happy he’s dead.” Way to go, Super-Christian.

I think those of us who loved him, though, realized that it wasn’t the drugs so much. It was, but there was something going on in his head that was much harder to put a cap on.  That’s why we loved his music. He felt the things that we felt only so much deeper. We loved him for taking our pain and weirdness and truths and putting it all out there with a kick-ass guitar solo. But we were also killing him.

Mental Illness wasn’t really talked about all that often back then. Or maybe it was and I was just too consumed with boys and pimples to notice.  But you can’t help but wonder if it would have mattered. Part of me thinks things happen exactly how they’re suppose to happen. The other part of me can’t help but wonder what if. Hell, eventually we would have stopped loving him so much, right? He would have disappeared, then comeback with Korn and do a reunion tour or something. Not idyllic, but at least he’d be alive. If he had just lasted a little longer…

I saw where Frances Bean, Cobain’s daughter with Courtney Love, was interviewed here recently. She’s quite pretty and under her picture was a quote, “I don’t really like Nirvana.” I didn’t actually read the article, but I thought this quote was hilarious. Of course his daughter doesn’t like his band.

And He would probably would have loved that.




5 thoughts on “K is for Kurt

    1. You must be a fan then…maybe? You must finish that post. I was surprised while writing this how hard it was. And it wasn’t even much! I edited myself a lot cause it was beginning to feel a bit personal and heavy, and that’s really not what my blog is about. But still… Thanks for commenting. I’ll be looking for that post!

  1. People who said ‘of course,’ or ‘good for the world,’ yeesh. All these years later I still can’t wrap my head around that reaction, Rachel. I do wonder what Kurt would be like now if he’d gotten through that mental quicksand and Courtney craziness and came out making music somehow at the other end.

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