I cannot fall asleep during a full moon. Never have been. And I’ve heard several relatives say the same thing. So, obviously, this can only mean that we were once werewolves.
It’s not ideal, finding out your ancestors were a vicious pack of dogs, but I suppose it’s better than finding out you had an uncle who fought for Adolf Hitler. I’ve heard being a werewolf is not a choice, whereas being a nazi is. It’s a curse either way, I’d imagine.
The good thing about this discovery is, it explains SO much. Like, my weird attraction to Michael J Fox when he was in Teen Wolf. And my weird attraction to bearded Brad Pitt in 12 Years a Slave. And my weird attraction to this sexy fellow…
My love of hairy men aside, I have more proof to this curse.
I have hairy legs, when I let them be, and my eyebrows would certainly become one if I let them. I have to wax my lip at least twice a month. And before I started shaving my arms, they could have easily passed for a wolf’s. Oh! And, I have a white hair that will pop out of my forehead once every year. I pluck the fucker out, and won’t see him again until one random full moon.
But that’s not all.
Werewolves are rumored to love meat.
I effing LOVE meat.
Werewolves are exhausted and must rest the day after their transformation.
I am exhausted and must rest the day after a full moon.
Werewolf hunters believe if you’re being chased by a werewolf, you will be safe if you climb up a tree.
I cannot climb up a tree!
Wait, there’s werewolf hunters?
Yes, yes, yes, I know what some of you are saying. Lot’s of people ‘suffer’ from this, and it’s nothing to do with werewolves. It has to do with the geophysical rhythms of the moon that your body just naturally responds to.
Well thank you for that scientific goppity goop, but I’ll just stick to my instincts. My animal instincts, if you will. Anyways, saying I’m a werewolf-descendant is much much cooler than saying I can be controlled by that cheesy bastard that lives on the moon. Wouldn’t you agree?
The calendar tells me the next full moon is July 1st. so I’ll be sure to try to get plenty of sleep on June 30th. As for you, watch out my lovelies, and be safe!