I am very aware that as a mother I should not ask Santa for anything outside of a healthy happy family. And for the record, I do ask for that every year. I pray that we all have a fantastic year and all our dreams come true and we see the end of homelessness and a cure for Cancer and no more animal cruelty and please let the farmers have a good year of crops and fingers crossed, the Browns win the Superbowl.
I am also very aware that this is a crap list. Why is it always the mother who has to sacrifice her lap-time with Santa to waste it on pipe dreams that even he rolls an eye to? The Browns winning anything? Bitch, please.
Let’s be honest, I’m a little tired of asking Santa for these well meant, but pretty futile gifts. I want a new t.v., damn it! And a new camera! And a new Kindle since mine has disappeared off the face of the Earth! I want a waffle maker and an ice cream maker and a bread maker and a new Kitchenaid Mixer!
What? I can’t ask for stuff? Moms aren’t allowed to be a little materialistic? Fine, here’s something completely unmaterialistic. My dream of dreams for the past 9 years is that the kitchen and the family room are clean at the exact same time. Not because we’re having company over and not because I went all psycho-mom and violently threatened my entire family, but just because. Could I get that for just 24 hours?
And since we’re asking for all-day gifts, I would like to go a whole day without having to yell, “WHO POOPED? DID YOU POOP? GO FLUSH IT! WELL IF IT WASN’T YOU THEN WHY DID YOU SAY IT WAS? DAMN IT, WOULD SOMEONE PLEASE JUST GO FLUSH THE TOILET!”
And, you know what, I would also like to open the drawer where I keep the scissors, and FIND the scissors in that drawer. OH! And tape! Would it be too much to ask for Santa’s little elves to create a roll of tape that doesn’t get up and walk away every time you put it down? That’s very annoying.
Speaking of annoying, I can only hope that before Santa got the big job up north, he had spent some time living in a swing state during a presidential election. Then maybe he would understand that I would also like every politician and their affiliates to lose my phone numbers and address before 2016.
I’d like my acne to clear up, ya know, since I’m no longer 15. And I’d really like to find my shoes where I put them. Hell, I’d like to find the kid’s shoes where they left them. Nope…I take that back…I would like the KIDS to find their own damn shoes where they left them without me having to go out of my mind 2-minutes before we gotta leave.
I’d like the pens to be in the pen holder. I’d like the neighbor kid to go INSIDE to urinate. I’d like that mom in the ugly pink car to stop trying to cut in line when we’re picking up the kids from school!
And world freakin’ peace, okay!
Thank you for hearing me out. That’s really all I wanted.