Humor · Motherhood · parenting · SAHM

How I’m Going to be Super Mom This Summer

I’ve spent some time this month Googling the questions,“What the hell am I suppose to do with my kids all summer?”

And, “Besides crafts, what the hell am I suppose to do with my kids all summer?”

And finally,“Stop sending me to Pinterest and tell me what the hell I’m suppose to do with these kids all summer!” 

Eventually, Google picked up what I was laying down and directed me to Kristen Lehman’s post, Summer Goals for Kids: Life Skills. It’s a smart and funny blog that answers those questions simply; work on life skills. Kristen knew this was something she needed to tackle after realizing her son couldn’t tie his shoes. (Shit! Mine too. Better add that to the list). And she found a great list on Pinterest (which she also links to on her post) of age appropriate life skills for your child.

I immediately printed the list and stuck it to the fridge. And then I cried a little.

According to this list, my kids have no skills. Okay, maybe not NO, but they’re definitely lacking. That’s not to say they’re not smart- they’re smart. They’re funny and resourceful and good-natured. But according to this list, they’re doomed. Which makes me feel like Mother of the Year and brought me to make this list for you.

Here are Life Skills my kids haven’t mastered. Enjoy.

  • 4 to 7-year-olds need to learn how to be good listeners.

They only seem to listen when I use the F-word. Is that okay?

  • 4 to 7-year-olds should also shake hands and greet people.

Usually when someone says hello to my 4-year-old, he’ll scream, “NO! YOU’RE HURTING ME!” We think he might be an introvert.

  • They should help water plants.

They drown our plants.

  • And wipe up spills.

Well, they push spills onto the floor so Mommy can mop them up.

  • They should hang towels up after a bath.

Mine throw the towels onto the kitchen floor because that’s “close enough” to the laundry room.

  • 4 to 7-year-olds should sort dirty clothes by color and clean clothes by family member.

No, my kids prefer to mix ALL the clothes together so the entire family ends up smelling like Downy and day-old piss.

  • 8 to 12-year-olds should be able to serve others and ask, “How can I help?”

What a wonderful universe that would be.

  • They should be able to compromise.

Before or after there’s bloodshed?

  • They should be able to help paint and caulk

They can’t even say the word caulk without giggling like idiots, so…

So basically I’ve sentenced my kids to a life of tripping over their shoe laces and being late to parties because they can’t read an analog clock! They’ll be broke cause they can’t keep a budget and ugly because they don’t know they should eat five fruits and vegetables a day! One day, they’ll get lost cause they don’t know how to read a map (or fold it) and then they’ll die out in the middle of no where because I didn’t teach them how to change a tire or to not eat random berries one finds on bushes!!! Right?

Wrong.

Once I settled down, I figured, these are my kids and I know what’s best for them…I think. Obviously, this particular list wasn’t really written for my barbarian horde. It did have some good ideas, and maybe we’ll touch on those this summer, but I decided to do this my way. So, here are MY Summer Goals and the Life Lessons the kids need to master.

1) Flushing is something we do EVERY TIME-not just when we’re having guests.

2) Pop Tart wrappers go in the trashcan and not in between the couch cushions. Set up a time to demonstrate this.

3) Using a knife and fork is not the ‘fancy people’ way of eating, and scooting a pancake to the end of the plate and then chewing it like a cow is not the ‘normal people’ way of eating. Note to Self: this lesson could also be extended with spaghetti, peas, and pork chops.

If we accomplish just one of these, I’ll say it was a successful summer.

Good luck to all you moms and dads out there getting ready for summer break. And thanks for stopping by!

 

 

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7 thoughts on “How I’m Going to be Super Mom This Summer

  1. So funny! I hate to look at what my kids “should” at any time. Lol. But you know I’m just too gullible to not check out that link for a good dose of daily mommy guilt! Good luck with your goals! Great post.

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